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What I Believe! (By StoopsMyAss)

The biggest game of the year so far, is this Saturday. And with that, it is time to tell you what I believe.

What I believe.


I believe in the football that is played on Saturdays.

I believe in cheerleaders with really big pom poms, mascots that punch other mascots, and any tailgate in which a Bloody Mary is the beverage of choice.

I believe in sections reserved only for students, and for that section to be somewhere in the end zone.

And I believe in tackle football, the kind where you use your arms.

I believe in the bubble screen, as long as it works.

I believe in big ass turkey legs, but not big ass coed legs.

I believe a man and woman should only attend a football game together if their son is playing, or they're friends with benefits.

And I believe in the trough urinal.

I believe in punting inside the 40-yard line, when you're up by 40 in the 4th quarter and only when you're up by 40 in the 4th quarter.

I believe in converting high school quarterbacks into defensive linemen. But not vice versa.

I believe in pink locker rooms for the visiting team, that are safe, secure, and well-guarded.

And I believe in Kodak moments, but not Kodak printers.

I believe 7 got 6, and then 7 got mobbed.

I believe Northwestern is just Northwestern and I believe Northwestern believes they're just Northwestern too.

And I believe The Swarm is one of the best ways to enter a stadium, but is one of the worst ways to run a half marathon.

I believe in letting your play or a translator speak for you.

I believe 10 years ago when I wore a corduroy jacket, that on that day I wore my last corduroy anything. Forever.

I believe Andre Tippet is not talked about nearly enough.

I believe Iowa is Tight End U.

And I believe Indiana is Sucky Head Coach U.

I believe deferring to the second half is chicken shit, except when Iowa does it.

I believe Kevonte Martin-Manley is a pretty cool name, but that Kevonte Martin-Mossbrucker is not.

I believe he who laughs last, didn't get the joke. On time.

I believe nepotism is no big deal, except in the case of Frank Stallone. In his case it’s a fucking crime.

And I believe Wisconsin is about to experience a downturn in their football program, but on the bright side that means they are about to experience an upturn in jokes about their football program.

I believe I was wrong about Jake Rudock, but right about CJ Beathard.

I believe the third time might be a charm after all.

And I believe the Angry Iowa Running Back Hating God is mellowing out if he’s allowing Brandon Wegher to play football well again.

I believe fans that wear ties to football games might actually be making a cool fashion statement.

I believe universities that place football even a centimeter ahead of academics are a problem for the Big Ten.

And I believe there are some teams that are a problem for the Big Ten.

I believe Kirk Ferentz would be way more tolerable at press conferences if he answered all his questions in a foreign accent.

I believe Iowa’s defense being ranked first in fantasy points in the Big Ten so far finally proves what Phil Parker's wife has been saying for years: That Phil Parker can indeed fulfill your wildest fantasies.

I believe Stewart Mandel now looks even more like an asshat than he usually looks.

And lastly, I believe when the season is over there is a chance that someone, somewhere is going to write that Damond Powell saved Kirk Ferentz his job.