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Heat Miser and Frosty the Snowman

Whatever I touch, starts to melt in my clutch

Nebraska v Iowa Photo by Matthew Holst/Getty Images

By now, most of you have seen the FROSTY, SHIVERING, FREEZING offensive coordinator rumors that are swirling around the internet. If you’re anything like me, you’ve been a part of several text threads that you share with your most beloved Iowa Hawkeye brothers and sisters that have gone nuclear over it. The sheer idea of THAT guy calling the offense for THAT other guy? How would that even work? Didn’t it seem like they didn’t like each other? Who called who first? Did Kirk ask questions? Did Frosty just talk the entire time? Was Phil Parker sitting off to the side and rolling his eyes? Was he nodding in approval?

WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?

If you’re like me, you’ve discussed and thought about every angle of what this could mean. You’ve had your doubts. You’ve gone through all of the stages of grief in something that should be anything but. You’re in shock but also kind of excited by the sheer idea of it all. Part of you probably hates it but it also makes you chuckle because of how much you hate it. There’s probably even a small piece of you that kind of wants it to happen so you can just keep on being pissed off about the offense. What’s Iowa football without sheer hatred for whoever is calling idiotic plays while wasting away an elite defense and special teams?

We all hated KOK and Greg Davis and Brian Ferentz...and that’s ok! It’s almost like we use the warmth from that hate to help us survive those long Iowan winters.

We could really hate HIM. But we also could really love him if he’s the one to actually fix this thing.

The madness!

I love it.

Look, I KNOW that it’s not going to happen. I KNOW it deep, deep down. It almost makes too much sense for it to be real. I wish we lived in the multiverse where something like this would happen because it’s just crazy enough to work. Like the Midwest version of Nick Saban and Lane Kiffin. I think it could be successful for a plethora of reasons...mainly because a hire like THAT would mean that Kirk found and trusts someone to do THEIR thing inside of HIS beliefs. That would be a huge step in the right direction. We’ve said it before and we’ll continue to say it over and over again, but we need the offensive minded Phil Parker to enter the fold and we need it ASAP.

Why couldn’t that be Frosty?

Take the personal feelings out of it, a former two-time head coach, proxy National Champion and successful coordinator with an extensive pedigree feels like a “offensive Phil Parker” to me... no?:

Again... this won’t happen. We all know it.

But what if! And that’s the point...

I’m glad Kirk is taking the call. I’m happy that he’s listening. I’m excited that he’s asking questions. If these rumors are to be true, it means that the pool is wide and vast and that alone feels like a win because I truly thought we’d get a Friday before Christmas news dump that Paul Chryst is the new offensive coordinator and there will be no further questions or interviews until Spring.

Suck it...that’s football.

It’s the Iowa way.

But maybe Kirk and Beth Goetz are really going to push to nail this one... and not just mail it in. Maybe Kirk really did learn something about this experience with his son. Maybe on his way out Brian talked to his Dad about letting go and maybe GOING for it (and by going for it, I mean finding enough talent to push Iowa into the Top-80 offenses in college football).

But, as always, maybe I’m a fool.

I am.

It’s ok. I accept that.

But this is a good start. At least now when they DO announce Coach Chryst I’ll have the opportunity to convince my foolish brain that Kirk and Beth and Iowa interviewed everyone and this was still the right guy.

What a beautiful foundation to build a lie on.

Time will tell... but it’s fun to dream about what could be and have it based in somewhat of a reality. As a dreamer that prides himself on coming up with some of the wildest-ish you’ve ever seen, I can honestly tell you I would’ve never married KF and the Snowman together; even for a conversation about football. But props to Kirk for letting it happen, letting it leak and letting all of our imaginations run wild.

After the last year, we deserve a little offensive fun.