Monday Musings: Complementary Football

I wish truth serum was a real thing. Or, for the conspiracy theorists out there, a real thing that the commoners had general access to. There are many, many things I wish I could use it on, but I think if I had one person I could drop a few dashes into their Starbucks coffee in hopes of learning the REAL REAL, I’d pick Kirk Ferentz.

Trust me. I don’t want to use my fake truth serum on him. I’d much rather know if aliens existed. But how can I not after seeing this?

There’s no way he ACTUALLY believes this, right?

A good demonstration of complementary football? Did I miss the shaman on the sideline guiding Kirk through a three and a half hour trip on ayahuasca? Does he know that an offense’s main goal should be to score not play more defense?

I just can’t believe this WASN’T said in jest. Unless of course he meant the team was literally complementary, in which case that makes sense because every offensive player and their soon-to-be fired coordinator should be complimenting every defensive player and their Hall-of-Fame (and absolutely gorgeous) coordinator.

“You guys look absolutely beautiful today!”

“There’s something about the ivy that is bringing out the color of your eyes, Coop!”

“Jay Higgins, you look like a rocket ship and I mean that in the best possible way!”

“Phil, I don’t know what I would do without you! You literally make everything better.”

“Have you guys lost weight while also getting stronger?”

“I am so happy our paths crossed and we met each other!”

“If I had to live on a deserted island with just one college football defense, I’d pick you.”

Complementary football? That’s just absurd. Egregious and absurd.

Erroneous. Erroneous!

The more and more Kirk continues to talk this season the more and more I want him gone. He should just Marshawn Lynch the rest of this season. At least then I can just imagine that he’s unhappy with the way this offense continues to look and I don’t have to hear him stick up for it.

I so badly want to say that Kirk’s better than this... but I guess that’s the point here. He’s not. This is all his doing. It all starts at the top and as we’ve learned the last two weeks, Kirk has been at the TIPPY TOP for the last two decades. So this is all on him. He can try to continue to pull the wool over his own eyes, but the cat’s out of the bag.

How anyone that gets paid the amount of money that Kirk Ferentz gets paid and oversees (and presses his thumb into) an offense that has scored a grand total of 35 points the last THREE Big Ten games (and lost one of them 12-to-effing-10) all the while muttering the words “complementary football” is baffling to me.

The football team you are the head football coach of is averaging 13.5 points per game in conference play while your defense is giving up 14.33 and that’s including the bludgeoning and one of the most embarrassing losses in your tenure against Penn State.

“Well, if you take out the Penn State game, the defense is only giving up 11 points per game so Iowa really is playing complementary football with their two measly touchdowns!”

Bite on it.

This is not complementary football, Kirk.

This is neglect. This is a shame. This is hurtful. This is annoying.

But it is not complementary.