Let’s start with a programming note: it’s been brought to my attention that historically, this column runs on the Monday following a weekend of games. When I sat down to write this last night, I was wondering why I was having such a difficult time recalling the results from just a few days ago. I knew my memory finally couldn’t be succumbing to old age. Or bourbon.
Nah-uh, no sir-ee Bob.
I’m chalking this one up to week zero, and the PU-PSU game the following Thursday for upsetting my humors.
So! Going forth! This will now return to its original home on Monday’s.
Now on to the horseshit!
1. Ohio State (1-0)
Thanks for putting together a game that was almost as boring as the product Iowa served us, but more importantly, thanks for beating Notre Dame.
2. Penn State (1-0, 1-0)
Normally I’m a bit more virtuous when it comes to things like “technically leading the Big Ten” but Purdue might be the third-best team in Indiana and that’s not a place you want to be, so this win is a paper tiger until further notice.
But more importantly, fuck Penn State with a tire iron.
3. Michigan State (1-0)
Congrats to Payton Thorne for shit-kicking his dad’s team while having a quarter of his completions go for a touchdown. I know when I feel like publicly embarrassing my dad I choose to throw touchdowns, and by throwing touchies, I mean changing his phone password across state lines.
4. Michigan (1-0)
All I can really think about right now is how little respect Jim Harbaugh has for Colorado State and Hawaii by publicly announcing he’s going to start different QBs in each game, and how much I respect this blatant act of disrespect.
5. Wisconsin (1-0)
Thinking about how Graham Mertz went 14/16 in this game, similar to how he went 20/21 in the opener against Illinois in 2020. Surely Wisconsin didn’t lose three in-a-row that year, did it?!?
6. Minnesota (1-0)
Congrats to Minnesota for manufacturing some of the dumbest drama of all time by not committing to shaking Jerry Kill’s hand in the lead up to this game. The only thing dumber would be running Mohamed Ibrahim 21 times in a game that was 24-0 at half.
7. Northwestern (1-0, 1-0)
Really looking forward to Duke-Northwestern this weekend, where the tailgate conversation between fanbases will start with where they went to prep school and end with a mutual agreement that Libertarianism isn’t “that bad.”
8. Indiana (1-0, 1-0)
Beat Illinois on some bullshit, which is my favorite kind of shit. If you’re happy, I wouldn’t think at all about a transfer QB from Missouri lighting up the box score for Indiana. Nope don’t do it!
9. Iowa (1-0)
The only intelligent thing I can say that you haven’t already heard about Iowa here is that we’re gonna find out if this rock-bottom Iowa offense has a basement this week. A win here would be fitting for the Cyclones, who are used to driving two hours to meet up with a bottom-feeder they were secretly stalking online anyway.
10. Rutgers (1-0)
11. Maryland (1-0)
12. Purdue (0-1, 0-1)
The loser of Purdue-Indiana State this weekend without question earns the crown of Worst Team in Indiana, which is still more attractive than anyone in succession of the actual crown of the British monarchy at this point.
13. Illinois (1-1, 0-1)
Lost on some bullshit to Indiana. Fully expect Bert to get pretzeled by a former wide receiver as a head coach when Virginia’s Tony Elliot brings a Clemson offense to Champaign.
14. Nerbaska (1-1, 0-1)
A 7-7 halftime score showed the Huskers weren’t the only Big Ten program that struggled with the state of North Dakota. Nerbaska didn’t even record a mere safety against the Fighting
Sioux Hawks so it is without question an inferior team.
They better start paying me more when the Big Ten expands to 16 teams.