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Big Ten Football Power Rankings: Week 5

Better dead than red but it’ll kill us all in the end

Syndication: The Columbus Dispatch Kyle Robertson/Columbus Dispatch / USA TODAY NETWORK

I found myself in Sarasota for a wedding this past weekend. Lounging around the hotel pool Saturday afternoon, I was swarmed by misinformed college friends about these Hawkeyes.

Inquiries into the Ferentzi, quarterbacking, the defense. And finally: what time does Iowa play today?

Being the opponent was Rutgers, I could only assume an 11am kickoff was cemented when the schedule was set a decade ago. Unknowingly, I lied to everyone at the pool that we were missing our beloved Black & Gold in favor of basking in sunshine and guzzling $16 Mai Tais.

And life went on. I later took some razzing at the ceremony for being a Bad Blogger Boy. The open bar and wedding festivities numbed their words.

I implore you all to take this mindset into any and all future Hawkeye endeavors. Cheer them on, yes. Be glad when victory is secured. And don’t look into box scores too hard, lest you realize the offense scored 13 points—including a banked field goal—to beat Rutgers.

1. Ohio State (4-0, 1-0 Big Ten)

Totally and completely eradicated the Badgers. The game was over on Wisconsin’s fifth play from scrimmage when Graham Mertz threw an interception. Ohio State scored a touchdown on its first four possessions.

The Wisconsin we always wished for is here, and Iowa is going to answer the collect call by not accepting the charges.

2. Minnesota (4-0, 1-0)

A mercy touchdown in the fourth quarter kept Michigan State from bageling the box score, but we must now come to grips with the fact that a guy named Tanner, from Hazard, Kentucky, is the Big Ten West’s best chance at ever winning the conference title game.

3. Michigan (4-0, 1-0)

I’m prepared to truther this 34-27 win over Maryland further, as a garbage time touchdown tightened the score while the Wolverines enjoyed an 11-point lead at the end of three quarters.

Still, someone should tell the Ferentzi that backup quarterbacks are in fact capable of throwing touchdown passes.

4. Penn State (4-0, 1-0)

Getting a kick out Penn State fans knocking on my front door and telling me they live rent-free in my head.

Solicitation: what is it?

5. Illinois (3-1, 0-1)

With Bert returning to Madison this week, speculation was circulating he’d entertain coming back to the Badgers as long as Barry Alvarez issued a public apology that included the sentence: “I’ve seen it, and the rumors don’t do it justice.”

6. Iowa (3-1, 1-0)

Here’s what’s going to happen this weekend: Jim Harbaugh is going to put newspaper over the pink walls again like a dweeb. Spencer Petras is going to get sacked five times, but JJ McCarthy is going to get rendered useless by three white cornerbacks.

The Iowa offense is going to explode for 17 points while the defense notches another score. We’re going to claw onto a 3 point-lead the entire fourth quarter and win on a pass interference no-call like in 2014 or whenever that was.

And then Iowa is going to step on 13 rakes against Illinois in a week.

7. Indiana (3-1, 1-0)

Name another school that can allow 28 points in a single quarter and still be in the upper-half of its conference rankings, I’ll wait.

8. Maryland (3-1, 0-1)

We need someone to step in and protect both Tagovailoa brothers RIGHT NOW.

9. Wisconsin (2-2, 0-1)

Following my weekend in Florida, I spent the better part of the week in Madison for work purposes. The lack of Badger paraphernalia I found around campus was staggering.

The last time Wisconsites tried to erase the results of a loss from the history books, a presidential election was involved.

10. Rutgers (3-1, 0-1)

Rutgers is going to beat somebody good, and it’s going to be hilarious when that happens.

11. Michigan State (2-2, 0-1)

Dropping this link here for no particular reason at all.

12. Purdue (2-2, 0-1)

Don’t let Charlie Jones’ 2 touchdown performance distract you from the fact Purdue beat Florida Atlantic by 2 points.

I’m starting to agree with BoilerHawk, who correctly believes Purdue’s reliance on Jones says more about Purdue than his defection says about the Hawkeyes.

13. Northwestern (1-3, 1-0)

Watched the first four episodes of Andor when I got home from my work trip last night. I’m not a Star Wars Guy in the slightest, but that shit rules. I’m looking forward to gritty remakes of all my childhood franchises now.

Sneak peak at my spec script: It’s not called the Mystery Machine because it helps solve crimes.

14. Nebraska (1-3, 0-1)

Also loving the final season of Atlanta right now. You can have your elves and dragons, those are fine but give me Brian Tyree Henry and LaKeith Stanfield doing weird shit all day long.