Big Ten Football Power Rankings: Week 4

The college football season is already 25% over and I’m already 25% dumber for staying up to watch Illinois-Chattanooga last night. My stubbornness really got the best of me in that I kept on switching between that one, Virginia Tech-West Virginia & the Coastal game. Didn’t watch a lick of Steelers-Browns because 1. why? and 2. who has the time to switch from YouTube TV to Amazon Prime?

Someone needs to consolidate all these channels onto one platform for a flat monthly rate. Seems like an internet provider that holds a statutory monopoly in the space would be best suited to take on such an endeavor.

1. Ohio State (3-0)

Putting them here for laying 77 on Toledo. I really want to get behind Ohio State this week in their bout against the Badgers, but when you’re a blogger and compare yourself to an MIT grad, you simply must eat that shit.

2. Michigan (3-0)

Kudos must be had by Michigan. It takes a lot of courage to schedule Colorado State, Hawaii, and UCONN for your first three games, only to be rewarded with Maryland, Iowa, and Indiana for your next three.

It takes even more courage to let eight different players throw a pass against a team that didn’t cross its own 44-yard line all day, forcing Kirk Ferentz to check the rulebook after Jim Harbaugh sent him an inappropriate photo after the game.

And when I say inappropriate photo, I mean the box score.

3. Minnesota (3-0)

All this time I was worried Minnesota was working Mohamed Ibrahim to death in its embarrassing preseason schedule, when in reality my concerns were misplaced. Leading receiver Chris Autman-Bell had season-ending surgery this week after sustaining a non-contact injury while the Gophers were up... 28-0 before halftime.

Did Ibrahim rest the entire second half? He sure didn’t!

4. Penn State (3-0, 1-0)

Congrats to Penn State for hammering the nail in Brian Harsin’s coffin, and bigger congrats to their self-inflated ego following its beatdown of the tallest dwarf in the SEC.

5. Maryland (3-0)

How many quarterbacks will Michigan use to beat Maryland? My guess is four.

6. Indiana (3-0, 1-0)

Don’t let Indiana’s spotless record distract you from the fact it needed 17 fourth quarter points and overtime to beat Western Kentucky, a state I didn’t know had any west in it at all.

7. Illinois (3-1, 0-1)

Probably overrated, but I’m currently enamored by a Bert offense that had two 100-yard receivers and a 100-yard rusher. In the same game! Opponent de damned. Move over Jeff Brohm, there’s about to be a new thorn in Kirk’s side.

8. Rutgers (3-0)

It only took Greg Schiano 14 seasons to win 79 games at Rutgers, so good for him.

After reading this, it dawned on me he truly is Big Ten coach!

Or maybe the New Jersey Star-Ledger is truly a Big Ten newspaper. Tony Soprano didn’t die to see his hometown rag stoop to such levels.

9. Wisconsin (2-1)

Better dead than red, I scream to my pile of college rejection letters while deciding which team I want to lose more in this game.

10. Iowa (2-1)

Fun fact, a Pork Roll is also what Kirk Ferentz calls beating a team 10-0 while punting from the opponent’s territory at least three times.

11. Michigan State (2-1)

Probably should be higher but I’m not above truthering Mel Tucker at this juncture.

12. Northwestern (1-2, 1-0)

Congrats to Northwestern for losing to a team whose mascot looks like it will be the indescribable terror in the next JJ Abrams movie.

13. Purdue (1-2, 0-1)

I have totally and completely fallen out of love with Jeff Brohm, who has already lost two games for his team this season.

Although, I can empathize with him for checking out of his current job in anticipation for his next, more lucrative gig, only to get fired by his current employer and actually not landing his preferred stop.

There. Just saved myself $150 and an hour of therapy.

14. Nebraska (1-3, 0-1)

How nice of the Big Ten to give Nebraska the week off after getting shellacked in Oklahoma. You can tell Mickey Joseph is already doing a better job than Scott Frost because he finally fired longtime defensive coordinator (and former Hawkeye) Erik Chinander after the 35-point loss. Chinander and all the blackshirts had been quietly quitting before it was in vogue so good on Joseph for sticking it to those soft millennials.