I’ve unfortunately just now come to the realization that I am no better than the turkeys at the college football playoff selection committee, needlessly ranking a host of football teams, the myriad of which will do absolutely nothing of consequence in the month of December.
Unlike the CFPC, however, I do this for the dozens of dollars thrown at me on a bi-quarterly basis. And of course I reap the benefits of the scores of women who line up to throw themselves at a Big Time Blogger Boy. Everyone loves bringing a writer to meet their parents, after all.
While the Hawkeyes will almost certainly continue its 18-year streak of No Big Ten Titles this season, I am riding a much more impressive streak of 30 consecutive Thanksgivings spent partnerless, surrounded by the crotchgoblins of my sharply-accented kinfolk, who as Minnesota graduates, find themselves in even greater tryptophan terror than I can ever hope to realize.
I look forward to this time next week, when we’ll yearn for this feeling of gluttony and hubris when—fresh off the first Hawkeye loss to Nebraska in one and 3⁄4 lustrums—the speculation for Iowa’s offensive coordinator circa 2029 reignites.
1. Ohio State (11-0, 8-0)
Congrats to the Ohio State Buckeyes, who find themselves in the unfortunate position of being 8-point favorites over Michigan, putting the proverbial nail in the metaphorical coffin of its literal eventual loss to the Wolverines.
2. Michigan (11-0, 8-0)
Can’t wait for Jim Harbaugh to somehow blame a potential loss on the departure of a guy named Biff from his coaching staff.
3. Iowa (7-4, 5-3)
Looking so damn forward to all the media coverage vindicating Kirk Ferentz’s football IQ that consists of staying on 15 at the Blackjack table and letting a clearly impaired dealer miscalculate his cards and hit on hard 17.
4. Penn State (9-2, 6-2)
Iowa and Penn State share Minnesota as each-other’s best win, but Iowa’s was more recent so therefore I’m ranking that higher.
5. Purdue (7-4, 5-3)
Love the prison of my own construction I find myself in, where I have thousands of dollars riding on an Old Oaken Bucket via a wager I placed drunk on mint juleps in April.
6. Illinois (7-4, 4-4)
Was thinking if there’s a rivalry where two coaches are more unlike each-other than Pat Fitzgerald and Bret Bielema, but then I looked up and saw Lane Kiffin coach against Mike Leach.
7. Minnesota (7-4, 4-4)
Enjoying the tiredness I’m seeing out of the Gopher fanbase with PJ Fleck, but not as much as I’m enjoying the fact there isn’t anyone on God’s Green Earth more competent who’d be willing to fill those shoes.
8. Michigan State (5-6, 3-5)
Pondering where Mel Tucker is going to spend his offseason. I got served an ad for cheap flights to Dubrovnik today, but that seems like a word he cannot pronounce.
Cabo it is.
9. Wisconsin (6-5, 4-4)
Can’t wait for Jim Leonhard to do what what Kirk Ferentz is afraid to this offseason and pack his quarterback’s bags for him.
Dead coaches walking
- Tom Allen: never met a pair of pleats he didn’t iron twice.
- Pat Fitzgerald: will not accept the results of this election and claim squatters rights in the porta-potty outside the trailer where they hold press conferences after games at Ryan Field (this is a real thing).
- Mickey Joseph: don’t have anything bad to say about him until he beats Iowa.
- Greg Schiano: I do not want to be the one to deliver the news to him lest I contract a thought-dead virus.
I have the diet and sunlight-exposure of a 1920’s coal miner, so it’d be fitting to be taken out by Rickets.