Guess who isn’t working for the next two weeks and is drunk again?
It’s me, and I’m busy shooting all-time highs on the golf course AND slugging all-time beers at the saddest fucking backwoods bar you’ve ever seen.
It’s DATELINE, exurban Arizona, and let me tell ya, I know why the Sun Devils are havin’ a tough time recruiting. It’s ‘cus there’s too much sun, too much satan, and not enough God, and that’s comin’ from a lifelong pacifist, atheist, masochist, and most other ‘ists ya can think of.
I’m here to drive my parents to physical therapy appointments and to cure ballots, and guess what, we’re all out of bubblegum.
On to the funny business!
1. Ohio State (10-0, 7-0)
We should probably take this time to talk about how CJ Stroud was a PALTRY 60 percent passer compared to the backup’s spotless passing day, but then we’d probably have to talk about how Ohio State converted more third downs against Indiana than Iowa has in its last three games.
2. Michigan (10-0, 7-0)
I accidentally heard Colin Cowherd talk about how he thinks Michigan is better than Ohio State because he’s seen six bad quarters from the Buckeyes and only three from the Wolverines, leading me to bum my first cigarette since I weighed 305 lbs junior year.
Was it a Red? You know it was.
3. Penn State (8-2, 5-2)
Penn State actually earns the No. 3 ranking because it shut out a team and that’s not easy to do, even if you’re playing against a quarterback who’s riding the coattails of his brother’s last name and playing for a school that’d be in the bottom half of its former ACC division and the coach should’ve been fired a year ago but is sticking around because you can still smell the Saban on him and holy shit try and point out Maryland on a map right now I dare you.
Gerrymandered ass state.
4. Iowa (6-4, 4-3)
And what’s this, our beautiful, ferocious, evil Hawkeyes are back in the top quartile by virtue of getting all its dicktrips out of the way early on and capitalizing on the greater college football universe Mandela Effecting itself on Iowa’s offense.
My whole life I swore it was spelled Ferents and not Ferentz. Nevertheless, I do love pnuts!
5. Illinois (7-3, 4-3)
Bert finally got the full Big Ten West Experience by losing to Purdue in a contest that would’ve all but sealed a trip to Indy.
The cherry on that shit sundae is Illinois’ next two games are against coaches who absolutely hate your fucking guts, eventually rendering your four easy conference wins utterly moot.
6. Minnesota (7-3, 4-3)
Minnesota is starting a guy named Athan at QB this week, leading my broken brain to draw up nothing but this:
If you understand this reference I will Venmo you $8.
7. Michigan State (5-5, 3-4)
Only at 7 because I think Mel Tucker can beat the below teams just by staring at them long enough.
8. Purdue (6-4, 4-3)
Developing the take that the Brothers Brohm are becoming the Pat Fitzgerald of Purdue, where they’re not good enough to get hired elsewhere but catch lightning in a bottle every half decade and ration out the high of beating Ohio State and sending Rondale Moore to a derelict NFL franchise.
9. Maryland (6-4, 3-4)
I already voiced my Maryland opinions above.
10. Wisconsin (5-5, 3-4)
Can’t bring myself to to rank ‘em any higher or lower, even though losing to Iowa for just the third time in 12 years should be grounds for firing, but unfortunately Wisconsin already did that just a few short months ago.
11. Nebraska (3-7, 2-5)
Could very well be writing the inverse of my Wisconsin rant about Nebraska next week!
12. Rutgers (4-6, 1-6)
My Michigan State Mel Tucker Take applies here to Greg Schiano.
13. Northwestern (1-9, 1-6)
My Michigan State Mel Tucker Take applying to Greg Schiano above applies here to Pat Fitzgerald.
14. Indiana (3-7, 1-6)
PPV Mel Tucker, Pat Fitzgerald, and Greg Schiano all giving Tom Allen a swirlie while he’s served his termination papers.