Big Ten Football Power Rankings: Week Nine

Welp!

All it took was a pants-down embarrassing loss to probably the best team in the country for everyone to wake up and realize the emperor wears no clothes.

The only thing more ignominious than a 54-10 loss would be to double down on your failson and offense. It’s a good thing an out-of-town reporter didn’t catch some strays 72 hours after the fact, otherwise we’d have the closest thing to a PR crisis since... well two years ago.

*touches index finger to earpiece*

OH! Well, nevertheless, I’m sure a 67 year-old who despises the DH and early voting will find a soft landing in this one.

Just remember, things could always be worse.

As they say, the North remembers!

1. Ohio State (7-0, 4-0)

I don’t want to do the “do you really believe Ohio State is the best team in the country after watching them bat Iowa around like a beach ball at a Jimmy Buffett concert,” but it’s still a fair question!

What’s an even more fair question: would Iowa have had a better chance just punting the ball away on first down? And to that, we have an answer.

Also looking forward to the Ohio State Proud Boys flooding this comment section to get mad I didn’t rank the Buckeyes higher than first.

2. Michigan (7-0, 4-0)

Had the week off, which is good because they needed all that extra time to post problematic Tweets and then not really apologize for them. I miss the days when you needed a $40,000 journalism degree and a login to a dying blog to post offensive brain farts to the masses.

3. Penn State (6-1, 3-1)

James Franklin and Kirk Ferentz are neck-and-neck in the whiny bitch boi standings, but unfortunately, only the former knows how to evaluate quarterback play while the latter only has to evaluate the Big Ten West, which is basically just the reading portion of the ACT with unlimited time.

This note that says you have ADD looks like it’s in your handwriting? And it was signed by a Dr. Toboggan?

4. Illinois (6-1, 3-1)

Should probably be three but forgot about them when I started thinking about ways I’m going to kidnap the Illinois alum co worker I’ve never met who keeps workplace bullying me with offensive Halloween costumes.

5. Wisconsin (4-4, 2-3)

In just a few short weeks Graham Mertz has turned from moribund to wholly competent, which under normal circumstances would give some faith to fans of teams who are the proud owners of multiple moribund quarterbacks.

If only Dr. Toboggan wasn’t in charge of seeing those patients...

6. Maryland (6-2, 3-2)

Maryland beating Northwestern with a backup QB should be the only excuse we need to talk ourselves into a win this weekend.

The only problem, of course, would be our backup QB not seeing the field.

7. Michigan State (3-4, 1-3)

Only putting them here because they’re going to be a major pain in the ass against Michigan this weekend and then become wholly irrelevant the remainder of the season, reminding everyone why State shelled out $95 million for Mel Tucker and his fake currency.

8. Purdue (5-3, 8-2)

I did a meme!

9. The rest

I don’t feel like spending anymore time with the rest of this conference because I’m already depressed enough as it is.

What I DO want to talk about is how Iowa finds itself in a situation where I’m afraid there is no best case scenario. Let’s lay it out:

So let’s say Iowa does reach its “goal,” wins out, and returns to Indianapolis for the opportunity to get pantsed by the East representative for the second year in a row. What will we see?

Vindication.

A double-downedness in the Breaking The Rock mantra like we’ve never seen. Spencer Petras is granted a 12th year of eligibility by Chuck Grassley. James Ferentz gains control of and disbands the Hawkeye Marching Band. Kirk Ferentz gets one of the regenerative pools of oil from Dune in an effort to preserve him for eternity. Brian gets to skip the line at Whitey’s.

And we are told to shovel shit.

BUT! What happens if Iowa loses out?

Therein lies the problem.

All the above still happens. We get served “that’s football” on a never-ending loop until the spring. Reporters get questions pre-screened. Links from this blog are banned from Twitter. We’re told its raining after swallowing a mouthful of yellow sno cone. From here until our dying breath.

Is this Hell?

No, it’s Iowa.