Fantasy Football Hawkeyes vs. (the) Ohio State University

Urgent: For Immediate Release!!!

This just in from the B1G office, there will be a new scoring system that will be adopted for the Fox Big Noon Game this Saturday. This change came about after Iowa petitioned Fox to have the game played at 6 A.M. to limit the number of people who could see Iowa’s offense. Fox was not willing to change the game time, but the powers that be did agree on a scoring variation to make things a little more spicy. Ohio State will use a standard scoring system with one exception, any plays deemed “Backyard Football” will not count. If C.J. Stroud breaks the pocket and rambles for a 67 yard score... nope. Sorry, but that’s not how the game is played. For everything else, Ohio State is stuck with the usual boring scoring of 1, 2, 3, and 6 points. (The) Ohio State comes in averaging 48.8 points per game. Whatever.

Iowa’s Shi&^%$ Offense Scoring System (I.S.O.S.S.)

The Hawks are going to be playing this in a pretty straight-forward ESPN fantasy football scoring system. It will be a .5 PPR (point per reception) format.

OFFENSE: (Iowa’s Toe Jam - it will make sense later)

Passing:

25 yards = .5

Touchdown pass (hahahahah) = 4

Interception thrown = -1

2 Point Conversion (yeah, right) = 2 points

Rushing:

10 yards = .5

Rushing TD = 6 (probably not, but ya never know)

Receiving:

10 yards = .5

Each reception = .5

Receiving TD = 6 (not happening)

DEFENSE: (Iowa’s Bread)

Any defensive score (Iowa’s primary “offense”) = 6

Blocked punt/kick = .5

Safety = 2

Sack = .5

Interception = 1

Fumble Recovery = 1

Zero Points Allowed = 5

1-6 Points Allowed = 3

SPECIAL TEAMS (Iowa’s Butter)

Kicking

Field Goal = 3

Extra Point = 1

Punting (The Tory Taylor Rule) - “Punting is Winning”

0.2 points each for punt attempt.

2 points for an AYP of 35-39.99 yards.

6 points for an AYP of 40-44.99 yards.

8 points for an AYP of 45-49.99 yards.

12 points for an AYP of 50+ yards.

2 points each for punt that lands inside the opposing team’s 20 yard line.

-5 points for a blocked punt.

Based on this scoring system, last week’s horrendous offensive output against Illinois would have been much more tolerable. Let’s take a look:

Offense:

Spencer Petras: 170 yards and 1 interception (2 points)

Leshon Williams: 32 yards, no receptions (1.5 points)

Kaleb Johnson: 26 yards, no receptions (1.0 point)

Sam LaPorta: 8 receptions, 104 yards (9 points)

Nico Ragaini: 7 catches, 54 yards (5 points)

Arland Bruce IV: 2 receptions, 16 yards (1.5 points)

Luke Lachey: 1 reception (.5 points)

Defense:

Fumble Recoveries: (2 points)

Interception: (1 point)

Special Teams:

Kicking:

Field goals: 2 made (6 points)

Punting: 8 kicks (1.6 points), 40.9 yard average (6 points), 3 punts inside 20 (6 points)

So based on this, Iowa would have scored 43.1 points. Please don’t do the math, I’m an English teacher. Typically ESPN does this ‘rithmetic for me.

So if you are like me and Iowa football is one of your favorite things in life, settle into your favorite chair, grab a cold drink, print out this ISOSS, tape it by your TV, and “enjoy” the game. It wouldn’t hurt to do some deep breathing and/or yoga as well.

Just a warning, while watching Ohio State on offense do not get tempted into thinking that what the Buckeyes are doing is acceptable in Iowa City. There is no place for improvisation in today’s game. [Get off my lawn!]

If the final ends up being Ohio State 49, Iowa “43” I won’t be too surprised. Losing by six points to a potential national champion is nothing to shake a stick at. When asked about this new scoring system, Iowa’s Brian Ferentz seemed onboard when he said, “I think we can make this work. There is tremendous upside with some of these concepts.”

At least we’ll always have 55-24...

As always, Go Hawks!