Big Ten Football Power Rankings: Week Seven

By the time I finally wrung myself out from the past weekend, I found myself deep in the bosom of the Wisconsin northwoods, swimming in a sea of pine and cheddar.

I’m playing the dangerous game of catching your ABV up to your cholesterol, while also trying to keep my golf handicap low. I’m also here on a scouting mission to find a football coach since apparently they grow on trees out here.

Get in, loser, we’re going losing!

1. Ohio State (6-0, 3-0)

Totally and completely erased Michigan State from the face of the earth. Sure am glad they’re also getting some time off to figure out to play with the food that is Iowa next week.

Do you think Brian played with his food at the dinner table? I’m envisioning a situation where he attempted to fling mashed potatoes into a glass across the table, but sailed each spud 4 yards short of the line to gain.

2. Michigan (6-0, 3-0)

Speaking of playing with its food… Indiana was down seven with 13 minutes to go. It also punted from its own 43 at one point early in the third quarter.

I am looking most forward to all the discourse we’ll encounter the rest of the season about how Iowa made bad teams look good… but is still obviously Very Bad itself.

3. Penn State (5-0, 2-0)

Whatever you do, don’t tell Penn State fans that Penn State has only scored five more points in conference than Iowa this season.

And also, don’t tell Iowa fans the Hawkeyes have played one more game than Penn State.

4. Illinois (5-1, 2-1)

If a 9-6 win over Iowa is what propels you into the rankings, then more power to Illinois.

HOWEVER, as much ink as I’ve seen spilled over the dereliction of Brian to this offense, I’m not seeing enough written about Iowa being responsible for vaulting Illinois into the top-25. This in and of itself should be the “fired for-cause” smoking gun we’ve been looking high and low for.

I suspect Gary Barta surveys this situation the way a police commander circa 1933 oversees a fresh crime scene:

That’s a lot of blood! Gross, clean it up.

5. Purdue (4-2, 2-1)

Once again putting Purdue this high simply because I have a VERY large interest in the outcome of its season, and I refuse to go down without a fight, much unlike this Purdue team.

6. Wisconsin (3-3, 1-2)

So much respect to Jim Leonhard for pantsing Northwestern 42-7 his first week on the job.

Everything is fine, we just had to change the keg lines, service will proceed as usual.

7. Maryland (4-2, 1-2)

A missed two-point conversion doomed Maryland for the second time this game. The first time it was doomed was when it employed Dan Enos as QB coach.

8. Indiana (3-3, 2-1)

I can’t wait for Indiana to fire Tom Allen and then hire another guy who looks like he’s gonna turn this ship around until he is faced with the constraints of coaching for Indiana.

Namely, being in a position for being considered for the Indiana job.

We can call this the Kevin Wilson Effect.

9. Iowa (3-3, 1-2)

Way too high for this unserious, broke ass, Mickey Mouse Offense For Kids. It’s too early to be this excited for basketball season, another Iowa sport that is populated by fathers and sons across the board.

That dynamic makes the football team even more frustrating, because I actually like the basketball version of the family business.

10. Nebraska (3-3, 2-1)

Putting Nebraska this high for similar reasons to Wisconsin, but instead of serving out of gross beer taps, Nebraska just stopped flushing plays from 2014 down the toilet.

Iowa doesn’t have this problem because Iowa’s plays are so old they’re written in a language that still refers to wide receivers as split ends.

11. Minnesota (4-1, 1-1)

Refuse to give Minnesota any respect until it does right by Mohamed Ibrahim and gives him is own Bacta tank.

The rest!

You can’t make me name these names. I’m not of sound enough mind to spend any amount of time speculating on the future of two Dead Coaches Walking and a third guy, who happens to be the top suspect in this double homicide investigation.

It wouldn’t be the first time Greg Schiano sent a bunch of people to the hospital.

Moreover, Mel Tucker is more like a dead man SPRINTING, as he’s got years and years to spend that 95mm contract until Michigan State can wiggle its way out of that contract.