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Big Ten Football Power Rankings: Week Three

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IT’S EITHER A STROKE OR I’M SMELLIN’ ROSES

Indiana v Iowa Photo by Matthew Holst/Getty Images

Good morning!

I’d like to take this space to remind everyone that it’s great to be a Hawkeye. And if you’re not a Hawkeye, just know that being a Hawkeye beats the pants off of being whatever fresh hell you wanna call this:

Let the microscopic litigation of Iowa’s consecutive top-25 wins begin!

(Hey, it’s better than the microscopic litigation of Iowa’s consecutive unranked losses.)

1. Iowa (2-0, 1-0)

I’m not done ranting against Iowa truthers.

If you’re going to spend any amount of time persecuting Iowa’s PRISTINE record thus far, you simply must turn it back around and interview the corpses left in Iowa’s wake.

I’ll start: Matt Campbell, why did you think it was a good idea to lose to Iowa six years in a row? Breece Hall, why did you fumble near the goal line? Brock Purdy, have you ever read zone coverage before? Tom Allen, do you know how to shop for pants?

I look forward to your responses.

2. Penn State (2-0, 1-0)

The Nits got a tune up game between its Wisconsin and Auburn bouts against Ball State this week, and we’re torn about what outcome we wanna see there. On the one hand, the opportunity for an undefeated Iowa to play an undefeated Penn State at home in three weeks is enticing.

On the other hand, fuck Penn State with a tire iron.

3. Michigan (2-0)

Why isn’t anyone BLASTING Cade McNamara’s erotic passing line of 7/15 for 44 yards?!? That’s a QBR of 16.2.

I understand Michigan had two guys rush for over 150 yards each, but still.

4. Maryland (2-0)

I’m starting to buy into the Taulia Tagovailoa hype simply because his brother might just figure it out in the NFL this year. Furthermore, I want to buy into this Maryland hype so others will buy into it, and Iowa won’t totally and completely overlook that Friday night trip to College Park in two weeks.

5. Ohio State (1-1, 1-0)

6. Michigan State (2-0, 1-0)

Sparty could be my pick to climb the ladder through the conference this year. Miami will be a nice meatshield to pad its resume this week, and Michigan State might just have the best backfield in the conference.

7. Purdue (2-0)

Just putting the Boilermakers here for visibility. After playing Oregon State and UCONN to fluff itself, Purdue gets Notre Dame. But is ND a lifeless corpse? Maybe!

8. Rutgers (2-0)

Like yo, WTF? There are no more 2-0 teams in the conference left!

9. Wisconsin (1-1, 0-1)

Sure, I guess.

10. Minnesota (1-1, 0-1)

The Gophers damn near lost to Miami the lesser, and PJ Fleck goes through defensive coordinators like I do toilet paper on the Monday after NFL kickoff weekend.

11. Illinois (1-1*, 1-0)

Currently tied with Iowa for the lead in the Big Ten West.

12. Indiana (1-1, 0-1)

Twenty-one first quarter points for the Hosiers reminded them they were in fact NOT in Iowa anymore.

13. Northwestern (1-1, 0-1)

14. Nebraska (1-1*, 0-1)

Recently I’ve gotten really into the novelist James Crumley. His books are nice little crime noir novellas with just impeccable writing. After reading The Last Good Kiss I was surprised to learn he got his MFA at the Iowa writer’s workshop, and he’s even got a section dedicated to him at the library or something. Gonna check it out next time I visit.

(Ed note: I texted Ben to see if the actual records of Illinois (1-2) and Nebraska (2-1) changed his opinion on the power rankings and he said they did not. -Boiler)