I have constructed a timeline of my unhappiness and it begins with Iowa sports fandom.
From watching Nick Foles dash Iowa’s hopes of back-to-back dream seasons early in 2010 to Christian McCaffery just scored another touchdown to I dunno, pick any of the other mystifying ways Iowa’s found to lose important games over the past 11 years and you’ll have yourself a jaded individual who now can only find joy in the coffee he sips in the morning and looking at old Iowa State box scores at night.
Everything else is just a slow churn into the abyss with weird booing controversies and wrestling championships in-between.
1. Michigan State (7-0, 4-0)
I was looking forward to Indiana beating Michigan State to put some Iowa truthers to rest, but that didn’t happen and it didn’t matter anyway. Kenneth Walker Jr. is the most exciting player in the conference and Mel Tucker and James Franklin are going to arm wrestle over the LSU job this offseason.
Loser gets to go to USC!
2. Michigan (6-0, 3-0)
I don’t think Michigan is that good. They had a bye this week to figure out how its going to lose to Ohio State this year.
3. Ohio State (5-1, 3-0)
On its bye, Ohio State figured out how many tickets to allocate in its future matchup against Georgia in the #1 vs. #4 game.
Basically, it’s time to come to terms with the fact that while its been fun to think that this year is any different than those past in the wacky and wild world of college football, the whole etch-a-sketch will reset itself in the time between now and the end of the year. Ohio State will get into the playoff. Alabama will sneak back in after Cincinnati loses to SMU. And then Oklahoma will round out the top four, AGAIN.
4. Iowa (6-1, 3-1)
I’d be lying to you if I said I wasn’t excited about having Iowa be at the top of these rankings for the entire season. That dream now occupies the same ditch as my childhood dog and Iowa’s playoff hopes.
5. Penn State (5-1, 2-1)
If you thought I was gonna put Penn State above Iowa, you’re an idiot.
6. Purdue (4-2, 2-1)
Listen, good for Purdue. After scoring 13 points in three straight contests it finally had itself a “get right game” against the Hawkeyes for the fourth time in five years. Jeff Brohm was quietly on the hot seat earlier in the year but Iowa once again has gifted him the chance to save not only his job, but also preserve the opportunity to hand out more ass whoopings to Iowa in the years to come.
7. Nebraska (3-5, 1-4)
I’m just putting Nebraska here because I think it’s time to start mentally preparing for another stupid loss this year, and I believe all signs are pointing to Lincoln for that box to be checked.
I don’t think Nebraska is that bad. I think Scott Frost is very dumb and also very unlucky and in this particular instance those two qualities are sort of attached at the hip, which is how it goes for the very dumb people in my life who also suffer from bouts of bad luck.
What I’m saying is this: if Adrian Martinez hasn’t ruptured his larynx by now, it can only be assumed he’s made of mylar and will therefore throw and run for a combined 500 yards on Black Friday.
Do you really care what I have to say about the bottom feeders? Northwestern got its first conference win of the season over... Rutgers. Minnesota beat Nebraska outright as home underdogs! Wisconsin played Army in what must have been a secretly scheduled game because I heard no mention of this contest leading up its commencement and have yet to see footage of Graham Mertz throwing an interception to a service member.
Maryland and Illinois are whatever, and I think that just about covers it.