Well guess what, boys and girls? Your Iowa Hawkeyes are the talk of the town and you won’t believe me when I tell you this, but Iowa fans aren’t the only ones who are mad about Iowa anymore!
After many participated in the mental gymnastics that came along with truther-ing these Iowa Hawkeyes the first five weeks of the season, the national media decided its now their turn to piss in our cheerios.
Well guess what!? Only we’re allowed to make fun of our team!
Also: tell me you’re horribly unqualified for your job without telling me you’re horribly unqualified for your job:
Iowa has beaten four bad teams, one decent team and a good team that lost its quarterback when it was dominating the game. This is not an overwhelming résumé. Why isn’t Kentucky No. 2? Or Michigan? Or Wake Forest?— Dan Wolken (@DanWolken) October 10, 2021
Now let’s give the floor to a REAL journalist:
1. Iowa (6-0, 3-0)
Gather ‘round children and you will hear, the Saturday tale of a defense severe.
On Hankins, on Koerner, on Belton, on Moss, a unit that fills opponents with dread upon each quarterback toss.
This group gathers for our personal pleasure, guarding its end zone like Blackbeard’s treasure. But ‘twas Lions, not pirates, with our town in its sights. The Nitted bastards came looking far and wide for their next fight.
Three Pee Emm it was set to kick — miss the Hawks at nighttime! — that would be the Nits’ first trick. Instead it moved the timing of each defensive pick.
Clifford and Cain and Dotson and Porter — you’d be tough to find a quartet with tempers shorter. They dared and dodged and slanted and schemed, and proved formidable against Iowa’s double team.
Hawks drew first blood with a Clifford mistake. It wouldn’t be the last time he’d step on a rake. He dashed and dissected to retake a lead, unbeknownst to the Nits Iowa had Thor, drinking his mead.
Third and a gamble for the State of Penn, it was time a Campbell got into their den. Down goes Clifford! A Dolphin did shout, turning the tides from the river of doubt.
Touchdown Iowa! He’d later scream, Gold fans pinching to prove it not a dream.
As the game wore on it became apparents, points were unnecessary to those named Ferentz. They looked down to Parker to bend, not break — greedily stealing any points his unit could shake.
Goal to go with an errant throw, it was time to tune in to the Shudak Show. Uprights be damned when the down hits four, Shu-man’s golden boot is called on to score.
Parker’s unit back on the wall, flashing its teeth while the Lions held the ball. Iowa’s Dutchmen battled in the trenches, looking to send the Nits back to its benches.
Gnawing and stomping and chomping and stuffing, Penn State crying wolf for phantom roughing. On cue the Iowa defense would force a stop, but three plays later we’d see an Aussie Drop... kick.
Tory Taylor, the man of the hour, a 22-year old freshman who Keeps Fosters in the shower. He booted and shooted, bounced and coffined. Each time the ball finally went down, State’s Franklin flashed a frown.
Punts are nice but points even nicer. With the game on the line Petras went to the dicer. First down play-action, catch the lions asleep, Petras found Ragaini going deep.
Was that an earthquake, a tremor, a mudslide or flood?
Nay! It’s the Hawkeyes, out for blood.
2. Ohio State (5-1, 3-0)
Ohio State only forced Maryland to turn it over twice, so what the hell are we even doing here?
3. Michigan State (6-0, 3-0)
I’m all aboard the Sparty wagon because they’re 5-1 ATS this year and I love that a team of freelancers is jut running train through the fatty middle of the Big Ten. Kenneth Walker Jr. is probably the most exciting player in the conference, and Michigan State would be the talk of the town if it weren’t for these dripping Hawkeyes.
4. Michigan (6-0, 3-0)
Michigan is just off brand Iowa at this point—inconsistent quarterbacking, suffocating defense, a coach that only home fans pretend to like. But struggling against Nebraska? Not my Iowa!
5. Penn State (5-1, 2-1)
I could make a joke here about Penn State being ranked higher if this and that didn’t happen, but that would require me to deny facts and reality, therefore becoming a Penn State fan.
6. Nebraska (3-4, 1-3)
I really do want to show a little bit of love to Nebraska here, because I just don’t want the last game of the season to come down to bowl eligibility for the Huskers. By the way, did you know it’s the second week of October and Iowa is bowl eligible?
Can you put together three wins in the next four games? I know that’s like asking a Penn State fan to read a book, but lots of people like the Da Vinci Code! It’s full of alternative history which I know they love!
14a-i. The Rest (a combined 12-15 overall, my goodness)
Hoosiers and Badgers and Gophers and Cats, these teams deserve to sleep with the rats.
Hot seats and carousels and drama arise—a coaching search? What’s that, Iowa fans decry. Stability is our best ability, 22 years with Captain Kirk, passing each decade with nothing but a smirk.
Chryst on a spike! Locksley a Fraud! PJ Fleck never beat Iowa—make him your God! Fitz and Schiano, Brohm and Bert, these teams are no strangers to the object of hurt.
Hark, what’s that I hear? A fullback in motion—what opposing coaches most fear.
The gnashing and waling, the scorn won’t stop. It’s fun here watching from the mountaintop.
Fight for scraps! Iowa fans yell. Welcome Kinnick Stadium, enjoy 60 minutes of football Hell.