The following is a fake lie story that is not true. It’s quite laughable that this needs said, but this did not happen. It is made up with the intention of providing entertainment. Black Heart Gold Pants is not responsible for any decisions made ignoring the preceding statement.
Mere minutes after his team’s embarrassing 31-14 season-opening loss to the Louisiana Ragin’ Cajuns at an empty Jack Trice Stadium, a dejected Matt Campbell took the podium for his postgame press conference and announced his Iowa State Cyclones would not continue to play the rest of the 2020 college football season.
“COVID-19 has nothing to do with this decision,” Campbell stated solemnly. “We met as a team in the locker room and determined it would be best if no one had to watch our program play football again this year. While we are clearly a top-25 team, rightful Cy-Hawk winners and CFP contenders (I should note I’ve already won 5 national championships), we don’t feel putting that product on the field again is anything anyone needs to see in a time such as this.”
Quickly, a preseason full of optimism for Iowa State fans gloating over their top-25 ranking is ruined and optimism has quickly turned to pessimism. While the decision to not have fans inside Jack Trice Stadium had previously been attributed to concerns related to COVID-19, multiple sources have now confirmed to BHGP that the decision was in fact driven by anticipated fan disinterest on the part of Jamie Pollard after he learned of the product Matt Campbell would put on the field.
Campbell took no questions from the assembled, socially distant members of the media, but did try to claim his team as the winner of the 2020 Cy-Hawk Trophy before leaving.
“We took the field today, and Iowa didn’t,” Campbell said. “Regardless of our loss, they didn’t play us at all. This was clearly our year and the fact we were playing some team from some conference with ‘Sun’ in the name instead of that team out East had us completely out of rhythm. We didn’t lose today, Iowa did and I will be driving personally to Iowa City myself this afternoon to pick up the trophy.”
[Editor’s note: we should point out that we’ve already tried sending Coach Campbell his own Cy-Hawk Trophy to have and to hold until death do him part, but it was returned to sender.]
Jamie Pollard did not respond to multiple requests for comments as of press time.