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Ask Me Anything: Championships, Celebrity Death Matches, and Much, Much More

I love you all so very much

NCAA Football: College Football Playoff National Champions-Louisiana State Celebration Stephen Lew-USA TODAY Sports

I asked, ya’ll delivered. This is going to be long, but I know you all have nothing but time. So let’s not waste any time and get right into it, shall we?

Q: Sitting at my desk here in quarantined Virginia wondering when “normal “ returns? Taking my now usual 4 hour lunch break I saw your post on BHGP. My question is if in your lifetime you could only see Iowa win one national championship would you choose basketball or football? Stay Safe. Go Hawks! - Dave Hartig

I hemmed and hawed over this for a long, long time. But deep down, despite some recency bias from the fun ride that was “Luka Garza PoY”, the answer has to be football. Here are my Top-3 reasons why:

  1. There is a question going around on Twitter this week about whether or not sports have made you cry. I can honestly say they have, but I don’t think anything in the world would make me sob more (and I had to watch Derrick Rose wreck his knee live) than seeing Kirk Ferentz, tears in his eyes, hoist the College Football Playoff National Championship Trophy on a big dais in the middle of the new Georgia Dome or whatever. Having this happen would be THE moment of my sporting life.
  2. Could you imagine what it would mean in terms of college football media? I know, I know. I’m talking about Iowa winning it all and my second best reason is the national media. But can you imagine if little-ol-tell-your-kids-about-an-undefeated-Iowa won it all? Could you imagine the talking heads coming up with every reason in the book why Iowa shouldn’t be where they are as they simultaneously beat the best of the best from the Big Ten/ACC/Big-12/SEC in three straight win-or-go-home situations? Collin Cowherds face would explode.
  3. From there on, Iowa would have to be a new powerhouse. Everyone reading this blog knows the pipeline to the NFL that KF and his team have built over the last 20+years. We know about their developmental program with Chris Doyle. We know about how they recruit for fit more than anything else. Now imagine having a National Championship profile to throw into their recruiting pitches as well. I’m not saying they would be in on ever 5-star recruit the world every produces, but they would be on every single kid that “fits”. It would allow all of my dreams of competing with the Ohio State’s of the world to become a reality.

Q: I was watching “Once Upon A Time…In Hollywood” during the free Starz weekend. And, the Bruce Lee vs Cliff Booth/Brad Pitt fight made me laugh. So, name your fantasy match-up of famous boxers, ultimate fighters, wrestlers (“pro” or amateur), martial artists, athletes, heck, even celebrities. And name the winner. No weapons. Just hands and feet. - WaterlooChazz

As I said in the comments, this is like BHGP’s personal Celebrity Death Match (something I’m 100% pitching to JPinIC right now for our next round of brackets). Because I’m the ultimate fence rider and have a hard time making tough choices when it comes to fake questions, allow me to take a page out of my SpoCo Radio partners book and give you my Top-6 in no real particular order (not my rules!):

  1. The Rock vs. Ultimate Warrior vs. Stone Cold vs. Hulk Hogan in a Fatal 4-way for all of the titles: I’m rewatching a lot of the best moments in Wrestlemania history right now in preparation for what will surely be one of the weirdest Pay Per View events in the history of WWF/WWE this weekend. But what I’ve realized is that nothing pops more than a Hogan/Rock, Rock/Stone Cold, Hogan/Warrior match. Having all four of these legends, in their prime, going at it for every important belt in the history of belts would be one of the best things in all of sports/sports entertainment. Imagine watching the Warrior “Gorilla Press” Stone Cold seconds after eating a Stunner, The Rock layeth the Smack Down on prime Hogan, Hogan Hulking up all over the ring, Stone Cold flipping off the American Hero after slipping out of the leg drop. IT would be the best 40-minutes of my adult life. I’ll take prime Hogan in this one.
  2. Vin Diesel vs. Dwayne Johnson in a real life Loser Leaves Town (aka the Fast Franchise) Street Fight and Racewar: I think I know where this fight would end up going, but the race is anyone's game. All I want is to see the vitriol Vin and the original Fast family have against The Rock culminate in a fight for the future of the franchise. Michelle Rodriguez, Tyrese, Ludacris and Jordana Brewster behind Vin. Kurt Russell, Jason Statham, Luke Evans, Gal Gadot and John Cena behind Rocky. You can only live your life a quarter mile at a time, and the loser leaves town. Sign me up, but we know who ultimately wins this one without any producers or agents involved.
  3. Ben Affleck vs. Matt Damon: How ‘bout them apples? HOW BOUT EM. I think there is somet evil in those eyes of Damon. Somewhere deep down, I think he can turn spider monkey on some dudes. And Affleck? That dude is the biggest wild card of all the celebrity wild cards. I’m taking Affleck in this one, but it’s close.
  4. Tiger Woods vs. Sergio Garcia: This is just personal for me. I’ll never ever ever forgive Sergio for this plus it would be dope to see Tiger use all of his weird military training to whoop my most hated individual in golf.
  5. Prime Charles Barkley vs. Draymond Green: You know what I’m tired of? Draymond Green’s tough guy routine. I know that he thinks he’s the new version of a bad boy in today's NBA, but Sir Charles THREW A GUY OUT A BAR WINDOW. I know Chuck is a little out of his Nutrisystem prime, let alone what he was in his playing days, but Draymond is Charmin soft. Chuck isn’t.
  6. Jay Cutler, me and all the true “Cuddlers” out there vs. Everybody Else: I know you hated Jay Cutler. Admit it. But now that you have to watch his wife's show with your significant other, you want to like him because he’s a G. Guess what fam, he’s always been a G. You were just too big of a hater to see it. Now you want to come around on him as he scoffs his way through life? Hell no, brother. You’re out and you’re going down.

Q: COVID-19 or an ISU championship in football? Would you rather have our current situation or have to watch little brother win the Bowl Championship? - hawkeyefanSD

I’m in my kitchen writing about celebrity death matches and Iowa winning titles while watching the best moments in Wrestlemania history. I’ll take this over Iowa State winning anything of substance ever.

*** Disclaimer: I know this is serious and I’m staying inside my house as I’m supposed to in support of how serious this is. Do not take this question or my answer seriously. If it really came down to saving the lives of people, I would let Iowa State win a hundred titles. But guess what? It won’t. So suck it little brother. WFH life forever!****

Q: If you were forced to self quarantine for an entire year, and for the sake of argument let’s say nobody else is quarantining, in exchange for a Hawkeye championship in football or basketball, would you? And a follow up to the follow up since I know your answer to the above: how long would you be willing to quarantine for said championship? - JPinIC

I have no answered this twice, but I don’t anyone to ever mince words. If I could give Iowa a title in football, which would also give me the best sporting moment of my life in exchange of giving up my social life for a year, I’d do it in a heart beat. You’re welcome.

Q: If toilet paper supplies truly do run out...would you consider using both sides? - chuck longs mom

I’d sooner rather spray my backside with my hose and the jet sprayer than ever use both sides of piece of toliet paper. I don’t even want to come close to having my own feces on my hands.

Q: What’s the level of cognitive dissonance that allows certain sports writers and voters to look at a players stats, see that they all favor one player and then still vote for another who happens to play for a team with a better record against weaker competition? - chitownhawkeye

Higher than the one dunk Obi Toppin peformed that single handily won him the award.

Q: Hottest WWF/WWE Diva of all time...that could actually wrestle and not just prance around in necessarily-exploitative attire? - HoustonHawkeye

For the old school Attitude Era folks out there, it’s 100% Lita. Not only was she important for a lot of kids during their formative years, she was a complete badass that was seemingly fearless. The Hardy Boys were awesome, but they were that much better when Lita was int heir corner. And for some of my new heads, it’s 100% Charlotte Flair. She’s got the name, the athleticism, the swagger of her father and is legit beautiful.

Q: Since you brought up “Ozark”... What are your feelings on where Jonah and Ruth ended up? Personally, I thought Jonah was a little more thick-skinned and level-headed than he acted at the end of the season. He’s already seen so much crazy shit and family betrayal that I wouldn’t have thought he’d go off the deep end like that. As far as Ruth goes, I was really hoping she’d stay the course and get away from her family. I guess the “Ben factor” really got things stirred up for both of them. I guess they just didn’t see enough while he was around to understand how messed up he was. I also thought about getting your opinion on Darlene and Wyatt, but I’m not going to ask you to chime in on that unless you really want to go there. - Hawktober

SPOILER ALERT: Personally, I thought it was outside of Jonah’s character NOT to shoot Helen. As you said, he has seen and heard plenty at this point in his life and if anyone is all about family loyalty, it’s him. He should know what Helen is capable of and that everything out of her mouth is for self preservation for her and “her client”. For him to so easily believe her story (despite being true) seemed out of sorts to me. And then for him to just shoot some glass...still weird.

The same can be said about Ruth. It’s always been about family for her too, but she accepted the Byrd’s as her family after she killed her uncle and that bond only went deeper once she felt Wyatt slipping away. But damn if she wasn’t the Harry Potter to the Dursley’s during that time. Anytime Marty could take his frustrations out on Ruth, he did. I know he’s got a lot on his plate, but Ruth was the ONLY ride or die partner he had for much of these three seasons and to treat her like literal white trash was always bull, IMO. I think she rightfully had enough with the culmination of Ben’s death coupled with her fathers coupled with how poorly they treated her.

I’m glad they split her off from them, because she DOES know how to run this business and I hope she slithers in and finishes the job that Wendy set out to but with Wyatt and Darlene who I’m refusing to touch but weirdly find them charming.