Only 10 conference schools participated in games this final weekend, making Iowa, Rutgers, and Penn State the only Big Ten teams to complete the previously not-agreed-upon schedule of eight games.
As its reward for winning six consecutive games and all its rivalry trophies, Iowa will get to play the hapless Michigan Wolverines, who are almost certainly going to use their eventual loss to the Hawkeyes as a shield to fire their football coach.
In a year where we’ve been given everything we haven’t asked for and nothing actually on our wishlists, Iowa is gifted a game against the worst Michigan team since probably 2014 but more likely 2008, a year Michigan only had freshmen and sophomores in its quarterback room.
This entire ruse is to preserve Ohio State’s playoff hopes, and Indiana’s NY6 bowl money. If and how that money will be allocated to bloggers remains to be seen.
1. Iowa (6-2)
As mentioned above, Iowa is the only team in the conference that played all eight games and sustained a winning record. Iowa isn’t leading the Big Ten in any measurable statistic other than win percentage in an eight game sample set, which is objectively the most important metric in These Uncertain Times.
Iowa also leads the conference in “team that no one wants to play.” This is probably the second-most important measuring stick in 2020, as evidenced by the fact Indiana and Ohio State, two of conference’s three best teams, ducked an opportunity to play the other school in that trio.
The only logical solution is to put us in the playoff you donkey-brained cowards.
2. Ohio State (5-0)
Five and oh is impressive when you consider OSU has played 40 percent fewer games than Iowa! Anyway, don’t let the door hit you on the way out against Northwestern this weekend you nerds.
3. Indiana (6-1)
I continue to disrespect Northwestern, and will now spotlight Indiana has the only “good” loss in the ENTIRE conference. Neither of Iowa’s losses were “good.” And no, I’m not just taking yet another opportunity to smear disrespect on Northwestern.
4. Northwestern (6-1)
I just really want Northwestern’s best season in modern history to be rewarded with a win over Ohio State, a bowl bid against like, Florida, a total shitstomping, and then Pat Fitzgerald to bolt for the Chicago Bears.
That’s all I want.
5. Minnesota (3-3)
The reasons for putting Minnesota here are twofold:
One, the Gophers are the only team in the conference to finish .500. Everyone after the gilded rodents boasts a losing record.
Two, Minnesota thoroughly beat Nebraska with 33 scholarship players unavailable Saturday.
But please, tell me more about how Michigan and Ohio State were unable to play this weekend.
As usual, I have nothing of intelligence or consequence to say for these teams. I’ve paid as little attention to them as possible this year and I think I succeeded in my goal.
I have no idea why Illinois thinks firing Lovie Smith is the right move.
I am DISHEARTENED to see that James Franklin remembered how to coach over the past month.
I am THRILLED Wisconsin is having the same conversation about Graham Mertz as we are/were having about Spencer Petras. I am also thrilled B5Q named their punter team MVP against Iowa.
I NEED Greg Schiano to stuff Scott Frost in a locker this weekend.