Big Ten Football Power Rankings: Week Three

On Saturday, we were all able to finally take a collective sigh of relief. After it looked like the candle was flickering its last wisps of hope, after we all felt we were going to the see our psyche completely derail, after we were just about get ready to give up and move to Canada, the unthinkable happened.

Iowa hamblasted Michigan State. Then Maryland dog-walked Penn State. Indiana beat Michigan for the first time since 1987.

Nature is healing, and our beloved Big Ten is a direct beneficiary of its calming elixir.

Meanwhile, Rutgers, Illinois, and Nebraska lost to their opponents by a combined 57 points. So I guess it will still take a little more time for big, structural change.

1. Ohio State (3-0)

Ohio State is probably the best team in the country. It’s a cakewalk outside Indiana next weekend, but hopefully we’ll all be Hoosiering very soon.

2. Indiana (3-0)

Just give me all the Indiana content. Vitriol, criticism, I don’t care. We need the utter weirdness of Indiana football in our lives right now and I’m glad they’ve been able to fill our orders.

3. Northwestern (3-0)

4. Purdue (2-0)

Purdue might be a little lucky that it was able to skirt Wisconsin, strengthening my argument that the Badgers should be unduly penalized for letting Paul Chryst’s smallpox blanket of a 4XL sweatshirt infect Bucky’s locker room.

5. Maryland (2-1)

With Ohio State and Indiana still on the schedule, I feel little to no obligation to keep on talking about Maryland.

6. Iowa (1-2)

Does Iowa deserve to be here? No. But do you wanna tell me who should be here ahead of our beloved Hawkeyes? There are no good answers to this very important question and for now we’re just going to enjoy our merging into the lane of mediocrity.

Seriously, though. How friggin’ Iowa would it be to start the year like ass and then just cruise the rest of the way to what would be the equivalent to an 8-win season? You truly have to awe at the consistency.

7. Rutgers (1-2)

A 49-27 loss to Ohio State is acceptable by Rutgers’ standards on its face, but when you roll up your sleeves and look at the box score you’ll discover that Ohio State scored 28 unanswered points in the second quarter.

8. The State of Michigan (2-4 combined)

If these two teams swapped jerseys, would anyone know the difference? All I want to know is: who is coaching for the Wolverines next year? My short list of candidates:

• Tommy Rees, acting as a sleeper cell until Brian Kelly is swallowed by the Krayt Dragon that sleeps under Notre Dame Stadium
• Brady Hoke following a failed lap band surgery
• Luke Fickell in a Bob Stoops mask
• Tom Brady

10. Illinois (0-3)

I think at this point Illinois is simply out of quarterbacks, which is a really tough place to be in when Brandon Peters was your first choice.

11. Minnesota (1-2)

It’s very inspirational that coaching genius PJ Fleck printed out Tweets about his football team and read them aloud to the locker room.

12. Penn State (0-3)

In reality Penn State will probably be fine, but dammit if I’m not enjoying opening up Black Shoe Diaries every Sunday morning to see content like this:

13. Nebraska (0-3)

Remember how Adrian Martinez was getting Heisman odds? How much do you think Scott Frost misses Florida right now? How is Nebraska going to figure it out by the time it plays Iowa in a couple weeks?

14. Wisconsin (1-0)

Good news, Wisconsin: the positivity rate in your state is 33 percent, which is what your winning percentage would look like if these missed games counted against your record.