Big Ten Football Power Rankings: Week Five

Huge congrats to the Big Ten scheduling office for having the foresight to put what would become a three-overtime instant classic between Big Ten behemoths Michigan and Rutgers as the night game when two games featuring undefeated teams were staring you right in your dumb face.

I’m mostly upset the Big Ten took away an opportunity for me to watch Wisconsin lose, and that’s a grudge I won’t soon forget. I know where the bodies are hidden, Gerry DiNardo!

I’d also like to take this moment to commend the BRAVERY of Gary Barta and the rest of the college football playoff committee for flying across the country to Grapevine, Texas, amidst a pandemic for a meeting that could’ve have been an email.

Smart people: they’re dumb, just like us!

1. Ohio State (5-0)

The way I see it, there are four real college teams this year: Alabama, Clemson, Notre Dame, and Ohio State. YMMV with teams like Northwestern and a team in the Big 12, but the above four is likely this year’s playoff, though Clemson and Notre will face each other for a second time in the ACC championship game, right?

Anyway, the rhetoric around OSU right now shouldn’t be their allowing Indiana multiple chances to stick around Saturday, but that the Buckeyes beat a very good team. Ninewindiana is off the table, unfortunately, but yoo did, Hoosiers.

2. Northwestern (5-0)

I’d like to have some witty commentary about this game, but since I’m a PRISONER to Iowa’s TV schedule, the words of sickos and sycophants on the sucky blogosphere are rendered useless when you can’t watch a game live then. Unfortunately the remainder of our free time was spent on a nine-hour, three overtime ordeal between teams with combined 2-6 records.

I see Northwestern had 24 rushing yards on 23 carries though. Good for them.

3. Indiana (4-1)

Michael Penix Jr’s near-500 yard, 5 touchdown game can only be overshadowed by the fact Indiana had -1 yard rushing as a team the entire day.

Look, I have no idea what bowl season is going to look like this year, and I can’t be bothered to do some light googling before my third pot of French press on a Monday morning, so all I want is Indiana in the Rose Bowl and if Northwestern takes that away from them it will be one more reason to write a “Why I’m Unsubscribing to the Athletic” letter.

4. Purdue (2-2)

I declare Purdue the winner of the Minnesota game, and as far as I’m concerned I have more credence than the faceless nameless soulless ghouls who make up the officiating of the Big Ten.

5. Iowa (3-2)

Iowa could probably squeak to No. 4 this week but I wanted to show some solidarity with our Purdue brethren. With scheduled shit stompings against Nebraska and Illinois looming, the holidays will feel a little bit more normal this year as we get to witness big brother eating three plates of food even before the foundlings sit down, on TV and in-person.

6. Michigan (2-3)

Do Michigan and Rutgers trade coaches at the end of the year?

7. Some of the other teams

Maryland-Michigan State got canceled. PJ Fleck sent a dozen par-baked pizzas to an officiating crew. Something something Illinois. Wisconsin is powerless when it doesn’t have three future NFL running backs on the roster. I think that’s all of em.

13. Penn State (0-5)

We can harumph Penn State’s imperfect record all we want, but really we need to start worrying if the boosters get an itchy trigger finger and fire James Franklin in favor of someone who’s actually, y’know, a good coach.

I headed over to BSD for some good ‘ol schadenfreude this morning, and instead I was inspired by what I saw:

We Are: the worst!

14. Nebraska (1-3)

Thanks for bringing Big Ten football back!

When I look at the Nebraska football program, I’m constantly reminded of the adages and fables we were taught as young children. Reap what you sow. Walk softly and carry a big stick. Better to be quiet and thought an idiot than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. Don’t wear black jerseys when they aren’t in your school’s Pantone wheel to begin with.

All of Nebraska’s problems would be solved if Scott Frost opened up my niece’s chest of children’s books, but then I remembered the adopted state flag of Nebraska:

They still have pretty pictures though! And at least we know he’s teaching his quarterbacks how to share the ball with the other team.

The Iowa connection to all this is we’ll still get to whoop Matt Campbell’s ass once a year when he goes to Nebraska.

Happy Thanksgiving to Daviyon Nixon only.