The first weekend of college football lacked any of the marquee matchups featuring Big Ten squads we’ve seen in years past, but that didn’t mean we weren’t witnesses to some nail-biters among the ranks of the conference.
Overall, it appeared business as usual for the teams you’d expect with a few unwelcome surprises for some usual suspects.
I look forward to more pointless arguing over which team is the worst in the conference. And remember: Wisconsin will always be Wisconsin!
On to the news!
1. Ohio State (1-0)
Ohio State jumped to a quick 28-0 lead over Florida Atlantic and that was enough to win the game right there. Justin Fields was incredibly impressive in his first outing and could very well be Ohio State’s next Heisman Candidate.
2. Wisconsin (1-0)
The Badgers pitched a shutout while Jonathan Taylor amassed 180 combined rushing and receiving yards and 4 touchdowns. Jack Coan has the quarterback spot on lock until he doesn’t, and it’s gonna be Iowa and Sconnie in the race in the west.
3. Iowa (1-0)
After re-watching the Iowa game, I’m feeling a lot better about these Hawkeyes than I was on Saturday. This passing attack could be something else and I can’t wait to see what Mekhi Sargent does the rest of the season. We’re gonna have to beat Wisconsin and the defense needs to get the quarterback but I’ve got some really tepid optimism right now.
4. Penn State (1-0)
Teams that score 79 points kinda deserve to be here.
5. Maryland (1-0)
6. Michigan (1-0)
The Wolverines find themselves in a quarterback controversy despite Jim Harbaugh calling his offensive gameplan “flawless.” Michigan fumbled four times and recovered twice, and I wouldn’t really call their 40-21 win over Middle Tennessee “convincing.”
7. Michigan State (1-0)
Michigan State’s offense was less than impressive, but a defense that allowed *checks box score* NEGATIVE 73 RUSHING YARDS will do just fine.
8. Illinois (1-0)
Eight different players ran the ball to amass over 200 rushing yards for Illinois, which is just an absolutely hilarious stat.
9. Nebraska (1-0)
Nebraska was so scared of South Alabama that Scott Frost took Maurice Washington—a player who has a child porn hearing this week—off the bench and threw him into the game in the second half. I’m also very prepared to declare Adrian Martinez fake news here and now. Nebraska sucks.
10. Minnesota (1-0)
Imagine if the referees didn’t take two touchdowns off the scoreboard for the Jackrabbits. Imagine if South Dakota State had a quarterback who could hit a single receiver in stride. Imagine if Minnesota didn’t have two competent running backs. This Minnesota team is bad and it should feel bad.
11. Indiana (1-0)
I mean they barely beat Ball State.
12. Rutgers (1-0)
It was 21-7 UMass after the first quarter. Isaih Pacheco could be the real deal at running back but probably isn’t, because rutger. I’m not wasting any more digital ink on this team.
13. Northwestern (0-1)
fIvE StaR cLemSoN quArtErbAcK trAnSfeR.
14. Purdue (0-1)
I guess Rondale Moore and Rondale Moore only isn’t enough to win the non-conference! I know Purdue lost on a last-second field goal, but after ranking them so high last week it just felt right to put them at the bottom here.
Remember despite the fact these are arbitrary, I’m definitely smarter than you all.