YOUR MOM’S BASEMENT — It’s with great disappointment that I, Ben Ross, Managing Editor of Black Heart Gold Pants Featuring Pat’s Pizza and Corn Syrup Flavored Beer announce my appointment to join the College Blogoff Committee, effective immediately. I will be replacing some guy who blogs for Ohio State, who definitely isn’t stepping down to try and put out a bunch of fires going on within his own blog, oh nope.
I join a committed… committee, full of other bloggers, editors, “social media specialists,” and Frank Beamer to help determine the top four blogs in the country for the College
Football Blogging Playoff Blogoff and assigning them to semifinals. We also start ranking the top-25 blogs halfway through the season, simply to fabricate controversy out of thin air and stoke the fires of the sweet sweet #content you guys seem to love so much. I’ll also help decide which blogs not in the Blogoff will get to blog on New Years, but no one really cares about that.
If Black Heart Gold Pants is ever in a position to contend in a Blogoff spot, I would have to recuse myself to all votes and discussions that include the Pants. But let’s face it, BHGP ain’t ever going 13-0 as long as BoilerHawk is still the coach so that’s neither here nor there.
My reign is supposed to last three years, which is a really long time. I’m hoping I’m able to find some loophole to stay on the board forever, since this sounds like a pretty cushy gig. And things were getting a little hot for me back on the home front, what with having to pay out a bunch of Blog Buck$ for illegally firing a blogger (how do you even do that?), handing out a RIDICULOUS contract to GospelOfMax (seriously, Phinsider was NEVER going to hire him) and then there was that time where I refused to comment for like two weeks after we sent 18 bloggers to the hospital with carpal tunnel. Whatever.
It does seem pretty ridiculous that someone whose impressive history of incompetence is known only to fans of that particular website. I can easily see how a Minnesota or Rutgers blogger wanders over to The Pants every now and then and just assumes the state of affairs is on solid footing. The football blogging can punch up with the big boys on occasion and the basketball blogging may have just turned a corner and wrestling blogging could be BACK, but that ignores the severe mistreatment that the women’s basketball and other non-revenue programs have suffered at the hands of my reign.*
That contract I handed to Max should disqualify me from joining the College Blogoff Committee by itself, but be glad a bunch of frivolous shit that comes with a fancy title just got slopped onto my plate: this means I’ll be spending less, not more time within the
athletic department blog. And I mean, we can all agree that’s a good thing. Furthermore, as the lone representative from a Big Ten-affiliated website, I’ll be a strong advocate for any and all playoff-eligible B1G blogs (except for Wisconsin and Ohio State and Nebraska and probably Minnesota) when it comes down to selection time. It’s only us, the Big 12 and PAC 12 who have to blog a grueling nine conference game schedule each season, after all.
So be happy that your beloved, bearded, and controversial Director of Blogging has been chosen for this coveted appointment. If nothing else, you know that this is making the listicle generators over at WRNL PISSED.
Go on, attack the week, and Go Hawks.
*Seriously, we’re still looking for full time coverage for women’s basketball and non-rev sports. If you wanna help, you know where to find me.
Bill Walton is out here taking bites out of very lit cupcakes. pic.twitter.com/hOU0KlkQmE— Kyle Boone (@Kyle__Boone) February 10, 2019