Hello Jerry Mailbag: 5 things Iowa needs to do to beat Wisconsin and Movies to watch when you’re sad

Before I get to the questions this week, I just want to say something that I think maybe has gone unsaid for a little too long. And I promise that I’m not trying to pander to you all or anything like that. But, I want to be on you But I seriously love you all. I don’t know if it’s said often enough from the writers and podcasters on this site, but this community of Hawkeye fans have been tremendously gracious to all of us here at BHGP and I think I speak for all of us when I say that sharing in the many highs and lows that surround Iowa athletics is an amazing thing that we truly cherish.

With that said, let’s get to your questions:

Q: What one thing does Iowa need to do to take down Wisconsin? OK, What 5 things? - JPinIC

I know, I know. I say this really nice thing about all of you and then kick off the mailbag with a question from the site manager. Sue me.

Here is my list of 5 things that are 100% INTEGRAL for Iowa to accomplish if they want to win this game in order of most importance:

1. Don’t let Jack Coan put on his version of Alex Hornibrook’s masterpiece from last season. Jonathan Taylor is going to get his. He did last year too (25 carries, 113 yards), but the key is staying disciplined, setting the edge and don’t let him get past the linebackers filling holes. That should keep him out of the endzone. From there, the secondary (who will be asked to fill the box and read offensive keys each and every down) needs to be lights out. If Jack Coan is 17/22 for 205 meaningless yards and 3-touchdowns, Iowa is toast.
2. Instead, we need an Alex Hornibrook type performance from Wisconsin’s native son, Nate Stanley. The People’s Champ makes fun of me weekly on the SpoCo Radio Podcast for predicting that this is the week Nate busts out of this senior lull and puts it all together. It didn’t happen before, but there is not choice but for it to happen Saturday. If Stanley can get the type of protection from the offensive line to keep him upright (of which usually solidifies itself in November for most of the Kirk Ferentz era), he should be able to move the ball against the Badgers. While it’s not necessary for him to be as dominant as he was against Ohio State a few years ago, it is necessary for him to throw for at least two touchdowns and hit a few deep balls when Wisconsin is selling out on stopping a guy like, say, Tyler Goodson...speaking of:
3. GET TYLER GOODSON THE BALL. He is the slipperiest, most elusive playmaker you have in the back field right now. I love Mekhi Sargent, but he just doesn’t have that “IT” factor Goodson has recently. It’s time to give him 18-20 touches.
4. Brian Ferentz needs to not be so much Brian Ferentz and maybe take a few notes from some of those 2010 KOK gameplans. Go out there tomorrow, run out of shotgun, pass to Sam LaPorta in jumbo package play actions, get ISM the ball on third downs. Stay ahead of the chains and when you’re looking at 3rd and short situations, please, I BEG YOU, don’t run FB dives. That ish ain’t working in Madison.
5. AJE needs to punish Coan when he drops back. He needs to land home and hit him at least 3-4 times alone.

That’s not too much to ask for, right?

Q: Here’s my question Mr. Eternal (delusional) Optimist: Calculate the probability that BF and staff have fixed the broken offense during the Bye and nearly halfway through the season. (I guess that’s more of a challenge than a question). 0% is an acceptable answer. Show your work. - Ploen2Pasadena

Mr. Eternal Delusional Optimist 3000 is Calculating...Calculating...Calculating...Calculating...

The probability that BF and his staff have fixed the broken offense during the BYE is precisely 55 out of 100. The reason being is that 50% of the time we see broken Brian Ferentz who runs FB dives on 3rd and short and the other 50% of the time we see the guy that got two tight ends selected in the first round of the NFL Draft and looks like the kinda guy that was taught under the great Bill Belichick.

Last weeks addition of Sam LaPorta pushes the probability up an additional 5-points.

Q: If you could wave your black and gold wand and guarantee 3 wins and one loss to finish the schedule, which game would you choose to lose? - chuck longs mom

It’s Illinois 100%. Nobody wants to lose to Wisconsin, Minnesota or Nebraska.

If you lose to Illinois, it’s whatever. Good game there pal. Enjoy your bowl game in Detroit. You earned it.

BUT, let’s not even bother with this and just win out and celebrate together in Indy. I’ll bring the beers... I’ll bring the beers.

Q: If we do lose this game, Jerry, which is a better pick-me-up movie to watch with the kids Saturday night? Requiem for a Dream or Starred Up? - indyhawk

I’m going to be honest with you Indy, I haven’t seen either of these movies. BUT, I absolutely love this question. I’m going to give you all a movie to watch with the kids, a movie to watch by yourself and a movie to watch with your beloved.

Movie to watch with the kids: SING

This movie has everything... Matthew McConaughey as a talking Koala, a sassy european pig, Reese Witherspoon as a stay at home mom pig who partners up with the sassy European pig who helps her find her groove again and that helps her husband pig fall back in love with her. A rocky father/son gorilla relationship that will make you cry in the end (especially when son gorilla sings I’m Still Standing). There are cute japanese foxes that remind me of these fine lasses:

On top of that there is Frank Sinatra mouse, a lizard with a glass eye, the great John C. Reilly as a trust fund llama, a nervous elephant that eventually sings just like Tori Kelly and the dopest light display you’ve ever seen on stage.

It’s good ol’ fashioned family fun!

Movie to watch solo: Remember the Titans or Step Brother

I don’t really think this needs much explanation. You’re sitting at your house, alone, and extremely sad about football. So why not lift your spirits with the extremely fictional re-telling of the T.C. Williams High School football team (LEFT SIDE, STRONG SIDE, FOREVER) or laugh your ass off every two minutes because of how ridiculous Will Ferrell and Reilly are together?

You throw one of these on and you’re bound to feel better.

Movie to watch with your beloved: Forgetting Sarah Marshall

This is the best sad movie to watch of all time with one of the greatest sad shlubs in Jason Segel. I dont’ know what it is about this movie, but every time I watch it, I seemingly go through the five stages of grief as Segel goes through them... then suddenly, I feel great again just in time to enjoy some Vampire puppets and Paul Rudd as Keanu/Chuck.

Q: Are you thinking, as I am, that if the Hawkeye mens’ hoops squad plays like a true team, gets some nice work from various players, that we could be seeing another NCAA tourney team this year? Also, have you ever tried pumpkin-pie-flavored-candy corn? I just did today. It is just okay, I like the original stuff better. - WaterlooChazz

YES CHAZZ! YES I DO THINK THAT! SEE HERE FOR WHY!!!!

Also, all candy corn is candy trash.

Love you all