Congrats on making it through another weekend of Big Ten football that was played through a video game simulation. To recap:
- There were no upsets.
- Purdue-Wisconsin was close until it wasn’t.
- Same for Penn State-Ohio State.
- I’ll save my piece on Rutgers for when we get there.
It was fun to see all of the Big Ten teams in action for the first time in awhile as no one was on a bye, but then I remembered Maryland and Northwestern are in the Big Ten and got sad.
1. Ohio State (11-0, 8-0)
Ohio State absolutely and completely dominated Penn State in the first half, where the Nits had just 68 total yards, or something like that. Penn State made it a game after forcing some turnovers but the Buckeyes were steadfast in securing their berth in the Big Ten Championship for the umpteenth time. I’d say I’d be worried for Michigan if I were Ohio State, but I’d be lying.
2. Minnesota (10-1, 7-1)
I mean it has to be the Gophers here, right? As fun as it was watching Purdue make things difficult for Wisconsin, I’m glad the Badgers pulled it out to make the Paul Bunyan’s axe game more interesting. Minnesota hasn’t beaten Wisconsin in back-to-back games since I’ve been alive, and I’m cancelling my cell phone plan if Minnesota can pull it off.
The Minnesota-Northwestern box score is hilarious because only three guys had catches for the Gophers while they had five players attempt a rush.
3. Wisconsin (9-2, 6-2)
Death, taxes and Jonathan Taylor gashing another defense for 200 yards. Remember when I said I was amused by Minnesota’s rushing numbers above? Well Wisconsin had 10 players run the ball for 400 yards.
4. Penn State (9-2, 6-2)
HA! You’re barely better than Iowa.
5. Michigan (9-2, 6-2)
6. Iowa (8-3, 5-3)
I’m already spending Thanksgiving alone, please don’t make it sadder by granting bowl eligibility to Nebraska.
7. Illinois (6-5, 4-4)
The loser of Illinois-Northwestern should have to consume an entire large Geno’s East pizza to themselves, adding to the shame bestowed upon the affiliation of having a football team in the state of Illinois that’s somehow worse than the Bears.
8. Indiana Hoosiers (7-4, 4-4)
#Ninewindiana is fake news, isn’t it?
9. Michigan State (5-6, 3-5)
Imagine needing a win over Maryland the last game of the year in order to earn bowl eligibility.
10. Purdue (4-7, 3-5)
Purdue should just go into hibernation until next year, where it can go away from an offense run by a fifth-string walk-on at quarterback.
11. Nebraska (5-6, 3-5)
Is Nebraska getting its shit together? I’m going to say no, and chalk it up to playing Maryland more than anything else. Iowa won’t be able to just saunter into Lincoln and expect a win, but so help me God if the Hawkeyes play like ass and open the door for Nebraska to participate in a Bowl Game I’m going throw a Molotov cocktail through the nearest Runza. Which is actually in Iowa. So please don’t be complicit in my arson, Iowa football.
12 & 13. Northwestern & Maryland
I have nothing intelligent to say here.
14. Rutgers (2-9, 0-8)
Rutgers has been shut out in four conference games this year, making it 11 total since the Scarlet Knights joined the conference. Short of annexing the state of New Jersey, how can we find a creative way to kick this team out of the Big Ten? I think a trade straight up with North Dakota State would be fair, let’s see how those coastal elites like playing in a conference that has ‘Missouri’ in the title.