Welcome back to what is now officially a blog about a team that only exists to cause misery to others. It doesn’t matter if you’re an Iowa fan, this is the only team in the world that can make its own fans angry while also making the opposite team angry at the same time.
I still haven’t decided if I’m going to cheer for Minnesota over Wisconsin to earn the right to get steamrolled by Ohio State in the Big Ten Championship, but dammit do I wish Iowa would be in a position to get waxed by the Buckeyes. So I’m just jealous of everyone.
Except for Northwestern.
I also want to shoutout everyone who stormed the field after beating Minnesota. Congrats on triggering everyone who doesn’t like fun. WAH WAH IOWA WON AND I’M STILL MAD. I’m going to stop cheering for the Hawkeyes until they learn to win with some class.
I also appreciate that the freshman currently on campus were not alive the last time Minnesota won in Kinnick.
1. Ohio State (10-0, 7-0)
Rutgers scored a touchdown against Ohio State’s first team defense, and that should’ve knocked them down a spot in the AP poll, Chase Young or not.
2. Penn State (9-1, 6-1)
I really don’t know who else to put here. It’s not Wisconsin. Is it Michigan? I doubt it! Penn State didn’t convincingly beat friggin’ Indiana. I’m so mad we lost to them. Ohio State is going slap them against the grain for 60 minutes. Sean Clifford was seeing ghosts against Minnesota, what’s he gonna see in the Horseshoe?
3. Michigan (8-2, 5-2)
My new favorite thing of all time is Shea Patterson saying he wishes he could play Michigan State forever after torching the Spartans for 4 touchdowns. Is this a Shea Patterson appreciation blog now?
Also, the Paul Bunyan trophy is kinda weird, right? I don’t like knowing Jim Harbaugh has 24/7 access to that thing.
4. Wisconsin (8-2, 5-2)
I appreciate Wisconsin having a guy named Cruckishank run back a touchdown against Nebraska, exposing yet another facet of ineptitude within the Husker complex. I do not appreciate Wisconsin actually beating Nebraska, officially putting the final nail in Iowa’s Big Ten West Aspirational Coffin.
5. Iowa (7-3, 4-3)
I’m so upset Iowa is back this high in the rankings. But no. 5 in the conference is right where we belong. Whenever we get too cozy near the top or the bottom of the Big Ten, we do something to shoot us up or down right back into the fatty middle, warmed by the bosoms of Wisconsin and Minnesota.
6. Minnesota (9-1, 6-1)
Maybe don’t go 19 years without winning a football game in Iowa? That way you won’t drop four spots in the only important power rankings blog on the web.
7. Indiana (7-3, 4-3)
I was pulling for #ninewindiana all game long and am a little sad they weren’t able to take a little shine off the Penn State turd, buuuuuut at least you get be the tune up game for Michigan before they play Ohio State!
8. Illinois (6-4. 4-3)
Am I a little nervous Illinois just got a bye before playing Iowa? I am glad this game is in Kinnick but Iowa hasn’t lost to Illinois since Ron Zook was a thing soooooo if the Hawkeyes do somehow screw this one up then at least Brian Ferentz can claim another first!
9. Purdue (4-6, 3-4)
Good luck against Wisconsin!
10. Michigan State (4-6, 2-5)
My second favorite thing this week is people calling for Mark Dantonio’s head two years after a 10-win season.
Oh man, that’s gonna be us in 2021, isn’t it?
11-14. Nebraska, Maryland, Northwestern, Rutgers, in that order
The only thing I have to say about this quadrangle of complete and utter suckitude is that I really appreciate Northwestern not covering a 42-point spread against UMass on Saturday. If you took the points with the Minutemen (I think that’s their mascot, I’m not looking it up) like myself than congrats, you’re just as big a sucker as I.
Tune in next week to find out how Iowa does against Lovie Smith!