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NCAA Football: Holiday Bowl-Northwestern vs Utah Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

What a year for Big Ten football! The conference failed to send a team to the college playoff, denying us the God-given RIGHT to watch one of our brethren get shit-stomped by Alabama or Clemson or Oklahoma.

See what I did there?

So, the Big Ten regular season, as you all know, SUCKED. Well, the postseason was really more of the same to the conference, as the B1G went 5-4 in bowls. Those included some really bad losses! Let’s laugh at them!

But before we get into the roast, Presented without comment:

Yes, I realize “presented without comment” is in itself a comment.

Shut up.

1. Ohio State (13-1, 7-1)

The Buckeyes kinda dismantled Washington in the Rose Bowl, where the Huskies scored 20 points in the fourth quarter to make this score seem close. Dwayne Haskins was surgical when he needed to be, Mike Weber is good, and JK Dobbins is still under-utilized somehow. I sorta wish Urban was staying so we can keep a villain in the conference. I’m going to actually have to do some research to figure out how to hate whoever this next guy is.

2. Northwestern (9-5, 8-1)

Did anyone watch the Holiday Bowl? That was actually a really exciting game! While I hope Urban stays, I really wish Pat Fitzgerald will leave because the Cats are shaping up to be even better next season, somehow. 2019 already SUCKS!

3. Iowa (9-4, 5-4)

The Hawkeyes join the above teams as the only B1G squads to topple a ranked opponent in a bowl game, and it was an exciting one! 9-4 is fine but still extremely disappointing, especially considering there are as many as four underclassmen on this team that could declare early for the NFL, and that doesn’t even include Nate Stanley. We’re going to look back on this year and wonder….

4. Michigan (10-3, 8-1)

The Wolverines got DEMOLISHED by Florida in the Peach Bowl, and dammit do we know that feeling all too well.

The Wolverines lose a lot of their defense along with their quarterback next year and I’m just waiting for JIM HARBAUGH, QUARTERBACK WHISPERER to produce a quarterback that has clearly been whispered to.

5. Wisconsin (8-5, 5-4)

The Badgers absolutely trounced Miami, and congratulations, Alex Hornibrook will STILL be on the roster next year!

6. Penn State (9-4, 6-3)

Trace McSorley is OUT, which means this season we’ll get to once again witness what James Franklin is: a bad, bad, BAD football coach.

7. Minnesota (7-6, 3-6)

Thanks for ruining Paul Johnson Day, Minnesota! I wouldn’t read too much into the Gophers’ 34-10 demolition of Georgia Tech — Norm Parker famously said he’d diagnosed Tech’s triple option in the 70’s, so just about any team should be able to beat an archaic offense with three weeks worth of preparation. PJ Fleck sucks, carry on.

8. Michigan State (7-6, 5-4)

Michigan State found itself on the losing end of a 7-6 affair to Oregon. We are witnessing the establishment of a nosedive for Michigan State football, you heard it here first.

9. Purdue (6-7, 5-4)

Purdue is enjoying the most successful six-win season in the history of college football, so congrats to them, I guess.

If we don’t beat Brian Brohm next year I’m done.

No one else made it to a bowl game so I’m not going to rank them. Sucks to suck!