Boy oh boy, what a week! Not only did we have a Big Ten game on a Thursday night — a deliberate act of counter-programming that will studied by media scholars for millennia — we also witnessed God himself deciding to postpone Nebraska and Iowa State football one more week.
In this case, the lord giveth, and only giveth.
So where does that leave us? With the dumbest friggin’ power rankings in awhile. One year, to be exact.
1. Northwestern Wildcats (1-0, 1-0)
Northwestern gets the top spot because it had the luxury of beating Purdue on the Thursday night of College football’s opening weekend, exposing dozens of people to the virus that is Clayton Thorson’s throwing motion.
2. Maryland Terrapins (1-0, 0-0)
Maryland had perhaps the most impressive Big Ten win, taking down a Texas team that still isn’t back yet, I guess.
The terps didn’t look good at all really in this win, but it’s Texas and I guess they’re too big of a media darling for a Fake News outlet such as this to ignore.
Other rankings where jNW and Maryland finish in the top-two: alumni who identify as “foodies,” graduated concert pianists and subscribers to the New Yorker.
3. Wisconsin (1-0, 0-0)
Western Kentucky looked as if it was going to make a run at the Badge, then Wisconsin kidney punched the Hilltoppers, zip-tied a plastic bag over its head and dragged the body to the shores of Lake Mendota.
4. Ohio State (1-0, 0-0)
I think Ohio State won big, but I don’t remember since I’ve been taking this medication (gin) that impairs my memory SIGNIFICANTLY.
5. Michigan State (1-0, 0-0)
If we’re being honest, Sparty should have lost this game. Dark Mantonio pulled out a win in the eleventh hour and with all the crap that’s going down in the East the Spartans are poised to strike.
6. Iowa (1-0, 0-0)
Iowa would’ve jumped MSU here if the first half wasn’t a complete and total shit sandwich offensively. I loved what I saw from the Hawks on defense and the O got its shit together in the second half, but we’re gonna need four quarters of real football this season.
7. Indiana (1-0, 0-0)
I don’t know anything about how Indiana’s game went against FIU, all I know is they didn’t get taken to overtime by an FCS team.
8. Penn State (1-0, 0-0)
Thank you, Appalachian State, for once again exposing a fraudulent Big Ten East school on opening weekend. I hope you like the edible arrangement I sent you.
9. Illinois (1-0, 0-0)
The Illini have the fourth-longest home-opener win streak in the nation, with 21 straight victories.
And that concludes our talk about Illinois.
10. Michigan (0-1, 0-0)
Michigan’s 24-17 loss wasn’t nearly as close as the score would indicate. I, for one, am SHOCKED that a quarterback who couldn’t find playing time in the SEC struggled mightily against a Notre Dame defense.
Michigan is 9-9 in its last 18 games and Jim Harbaugh hasn’t won anything of note since October of 2016. IT JUST MEANS MORE.
11. Rutgers (1-0, 0-0)
Looking at the box score here, it appears Rutgers’ quarterback put out a passer rating of 50 but still cruised to a 28-point win.
That seems sustainable.
12. Minnesota (1-0, 0-0)
The Gophers trotted out a true freshman walk-on at quarterback and ran for nearly 300 yards in its thumping of New Mexico State. Our friends at the Daily Gopher compared Zack Annexstad’s first-career start to those of other past rodent QBs, and boy does that list make me feel sad.
13. Purdue (0-1, 0-1)
Shocker, our Purdue hype from last season may just be a little bit unfounded.
14. Nebraska (0-0)
There’s something poetic about Scott Frost’s debut getting postponed due to weather. Please leave all frost-weather delay jokes in the comments and credit @renboss23.