It’s been a pretty good start for our fearless co-leader, Ben Ross, as he’s gone 10-5 throughout the first 3 weeks of college football.
He’s used his winnings to jetset to Croatia and Germany. He might be gone longer if customs doesn’t allow him back in with a checked bag full of Croatian gin and lederhosen.
So we’ve decided to outsource this weekly column to BoilerHawk’s fiancée. In the homestretch of wedding planning, why not pick up a vice in the hopes of funding impending nuptials?
It’s unclear why they asked me to write this bit. I know, literally, nothing about gambling but apparently that’s more than the remaining doofuses on the staff of BlackHeartGoldPants.com. With a tailgate-themed wedding shower last weekend, I’ve probably watched more football than them too.
Now it makes sense.
Onto the picks…
Auburn -30 vs. Arkansas (9/22 6:30pm on SECN)
We live just north of Fayetteville and, let me tell you, the place was the opposite of “abuzz” the last week after North Texas throttled the Razorbacks. If you don’t play till the whistle, what’s the point of playing? That’s what I always say when we’re playing a game of 21 and Boiler whines about “elbows” and “boxing out.”
Auburn’s mad and at home. Just like me after assembling 200 invitations without Boiler’s help.
Navy -6.5 at SMU (9/22 11:00am on ESPNN)
For a short while after college, I bartended in Uptown Dallas. I’d fill my coffers off of the drunken mistakes and poor choices of SMU students “droppin’ dimes” with Mommy and Daddy’s plastic. 11 a.m. is too early for those boat shoe-wearin’, bag-droppin’, Juul-vapin’ credit card millionaires.
11 a.m. isn’t too early to make another pretty penny off of some Mustang incompetence, though.
Purdue +220 vs. Boston College (9/22 11:00am on ESPN2)
Another 6.5 dog playin’ host to a run-heavy team from out east. The difference? Purdue’s accustomed to this style of game and have had a spat of bad luck lead to their 0-3 record. They’ll turn it around and Boston College won’t know what hit ‘em.
Actually, they’ll know. They were standing on the outline of the Purdue field and thought a train DIDN’T travel around it. Idiots.
Michigan -17.5 vs. Nebraska (9/22 11:00am on FS1)
“Scott Frost” this. “Scott Frost” that. What about this Midwestern weather pattern has Boiler in a tizzie and why am I just hearing about it? But I’m not afraid to scrape frost off a windshield and neither is Jim Harbaugh.
Also, who’s this Oliver Martin kid? I mean, he’s got two first names AND two last names. Seems like Iowa could use a player like him.
Oregon +110 vs. Stanford (9/22 7:00pm on ABC)
Oregon’s played two cities fronting as states and Stanford has only played one. Talk about preparation. Stanford’s looking a little ahead to their game in South Bend which seems stupid. Have you seen South Bend?
And here’s the part where I’m told Ben advises he’s betting Iowa. Well, I’m not Ben so I’m not going to tell you to do that.
HEDGE YOUR HAPPINESS
If Iowa wins, great. That’s basically the price of a ticket or 10 I spent on a game I didn’t attend. If they lose, our honeymoon added a spa week.