Welcome to the Hello Jerry
Mailbag COMMENT-BAG! Why not a “mailbag”? Well, for starters, the only piece of mail I’ve ever gotten from a “fan” was a Wisconsin Badgers poster — until someone, somewhere hooks me up with that Fortnite jawn. Secondly, I know you all know I’m equally as great as that succubus Jerry Blevins, so your hashtags and mentions are no longer necessary. At the end of the day, I just need you, the sometimes funny, but often moody commenters of Black Heart Gold Pants. No matter how outlandish or serious your questions may be, I’ll be here every Friday to answer them. Because after all, team work makes the dream work.
If you follow along with the inner workings of Iowa Twitter (Hawkeye Twitter? Hawkeyes Twitter?), I’m sure you’ve seen some in-fighting over some alleged thievery that has taken place between different platforms and writers and social media gatherings. It’s something that has been going on for a few years and it’s as entertaining as much as it is troubling.
We all have our thoughts on that matter, but that’s not what I’m here for today. Not in this Comment Bag Solicitation.
What everyone seems to missing is of a more concerning issue that has gone completely under the radar. An act so sinister, that I have been forced to spend my nights in front of a white board full of printed out tweets and blog posts like a manic Charlie Day putting together a paper trail on Pepe Silvia:
YOU WANT TO KNOW THE REASON?
Well, I’ve stumbled upon a major Iowa sports media conspiracy. Black Heart Gold Pants is being bled like a stuck pig for it’s creative prowess. And I’ve got the paper trail to prove it. Take a look at this:
That right there is a tweet. Now, let’s talk about tweets. Can we talk about the tweets, please? I’ve been dying to talk about the tweets with you all, all day, OK? “Maui”. Have you heard of Maui? No, not that Maui. Iowa Maui. “Maui”...this name keeps coming up over and over again. Every day Maui’s in tweets that I’m seeing when I scour Twitter for A.J. Epenesa news. Maui this. Maui that. I look on Twitter and my whole timeline is Maui. MAUI!. MAUIIIIII! So I say to myself, “Well someone has to be giving JPinIC and myself credit for this nickname. Someone, somewhere must have said where it came from. The internet is huge. Surely we have a reader, a loyal follower somewhere that said ‘No sir, no. Maui was created by Hello Jerry because he has a hard time pronouncing words and because he has a hard time pronouncing words, he had to come up with a nickname for a true freshman with a difficult last name.”
I search. And I search. And I search some more. And what do I find out? Nobody cited the original source. No Jon Miller. Not this Majestic Scott. Not anybody. You’ve gotta be kidding me! I got tweets and podcasts and blogs full of Maui! MAUI!
All right. So, like I said, I start to send out more tweets. More tweets, taking on the duty of BHGP’s PR team. And despite all of that, do you know what I find? There’s not a single goddamn person out there that stuck up for the origination of A.J. Epenesa’s nickname. Twitter was a goddamn ghost town. Twitter is never a ghost town.
Now, I need you all to calm down. Calm down! Here’s one thing that’s not going to happen. We’re not going to let the other Iowa media outlets steal our nickname. Not this time. I’m taking a stand. JPinIC, can you get me a cigarette and another cup of coffee? I’m freaking out.
MAUI IS OURS. Do the right thing friends. Do. The. Right. Thing.
You know the drill. Get your questions in. It’s been a great start to Iowa football and basketball is right around the corner. You’ve all brought the heat the first two installments, so the bar is raised pretty high. You can leave your questions in the comments below (or Tweet me if you’d like @JerryScherwin).
Love you all.