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BYU v Wisconsin Photo by Joe Robbins/Getty Images

Big Ten football fans were treated to a heaping plate of ass this weekend. Seven count-em SEVEN teams lost to unranked non-con foes on Saturday.

Iowa, however, was not one of those squads.

I considered starting at 14 and counting down to one for this week, but that would require me to count backwards and that’s simply just not possible.

So anyway, here’s Ohio State:

1. Ohio State (3-0, 1-0)

The Buckeyes took down TCU in convincing fashion. It looked liked the spiked toads were gonna give the Bucks a real run for their money but then Dre’Mont Jones stuck a pitchfork in those plans.

Can’t wait for the Urban Meyer redemption tour!

2. Penn State (3-0, 0-0)

The Nits have righted the ship after almost dick-tripping against App State during the first week of the season. Trace McSorley had himself five total touchdowns against Kent State. They got Illinois this weekend, but then Ohio State comes to town and we get to decide which team is Fake News.

3. Iowa (3-0, 0-0)

Yo ho ho! Look at these Hawkeyes, stuffing opposing offenses into Patrick Bateman’s weekend bag and then throwing said bag into the dumpster behind the Panchero’s on Riverside.

Iowa’s offense had its most complete game of the year on Saturday (it was against UNI I know shut up mom) but we’re three-and-oh and neither Michigan school nor Wisconsin can say the same so kindly piss off.

4. Wisconsin (2-1, 0-0)

Poor Badgers. This is what happens when a state full of alcoholics welcomes a bunch of missionaries into their home: the cleaning supplies is dusted off, the cheese isn’t fried — but served on a nice leafy salad — and four hours later we’re thanking our visitors.

Why? You’re not sure, but it feels like the right thing to do.

Tune in next week to watch Wisconsin drop to No. 7 in these rankings!

5. Michigan (2-1, 0-0)

I am so off team Michigan it’s not even funny. I don’t care if Shea Patterson was downright surgical against an 0-3 SMU team, or if its third and fourth string running backs combined for nearly 150 yards rushing. I still think this team turtles when it gets to the Big Ten and there isn’t enough lactose in the U.P. to stop that from happening.

6. Michigan State (1-1, 0-0)

Michigan State served its bye during week three of the season, for some reason. I doubt the Spartans will learn from their mistakes back from the ASU game, but whatever, the Big Ten is ass and MSU will probably be fine.

7. Minnesota (3-0, 0-0)

It’s only a matter of time until Minnesota realizes starting a walk-on true freshman at quarterback isn’t the best idea.

8. Indiana (3-0, 0-0)

Guys, Indiana might actually have a real quarterback in Peyton Ramsey.

More likely, however, is the prospect that Ramsey is just another in long string of Zander Diamont’s.

9-11. Northwestern, Purdue, Maryland

Choose your own adventure! Except this adventure is more like a Saw movie where you have to gnaw off your own arm in Ron Zook’s basement if you ever want to see the light of day again.

12. Illinois (2-1, 0-0)

The Illini gave up a 50-yard touchdown with three minutes left in the game to lose to USF in Soldier Field.

You can change the jersey’s, but the Chicago Bears are still the Chicago Bears.

13. Nebraska (0-2, 0-0)

14. Rutger (1-2, 0-1)

Congratulations to Rutger, who allowed Kansas to win its first game against a Power Five team since the bronze age.