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It’s funny.

Every time I bring Ben to paper at this dingy dive bar with the end goal of producing something that’s enlightening or at least a little entertaining. Time and again, it has proven fruitless. It’s not unlike Iowa’s offense right now.

So for the third week in a row, I’m going to humor myself and only myself, make more than one alcoholism “joke” and also earn you money in this thankless endeavor.

It’s a broke ass man’s win in the dark. We can call it sin in the dark. I wish I would have thought of that a long time ago .

Washington -5 at Utah (9/15 9:00pm on ESPN)

There are three things Chris Petersen knows his way around: monogamy, Utahns, and how to beat Utahns at their own game.

While writing that I remembered Boise is in Idaho and Washington is in Washington and neither of those places are Utah. However I’m not convinced Utah and Idaho aren’t any different from each other. Or even exist for that matter.

Also Utah only beat NIU by 11.

USC +3.5 at Texas (9/15 9:00pm on FOX)

Ah yes, time for the matchup between former bluebloods who think they’re still bluebloods even though their fanbases are so pale you can determine their carotene levels on TV.

USC SUCKS, but Texas sucks even more and I’m more than ready to call Tom Herman a fraud. Taking side bets on strip clubs he visits before, at halftime and after getting his team shitstomped.

Georgia -33.5 vs MTSU (9/15 11:00am on ESNN???)

Make no mistake: Kirby Smart is determined to drag his ass all over everything on his way to an eventual rematch with his better looking step brother Sick Naban.

Also Evander Holyfield’s son is Georgia’s running back and I’m pretty sure he and three other guys could cover against Middle Tennessee State.

Arizona State -6 at San Diego State (9/15 9:30pm on CBS)

I actually like how this is an away game for the Sun Devils. San Diego will provide a cool, ocean-breezy respite for Herm Edwards, who always looks like he just got off a 14-hour homicide shift in Baltimore County.

I happen to think ASU’s win over Michigan State last weekend was fake, but if we’re being honest, Herm Edwards having a coaching job in 2018 is proof there is a devil and he can be dealt with and I damn near guarantee a seven-point win over San Diego State was included in that covenant.

TCU +12.5 vs. Ohio State (9/15 7:00pm on ABC)

They’ll say this is basically a home game for TCU since this is being played in Arlington, but as I learned during my three summers as a caddy in high school, complete and total jerkwads travel in numbers, so expect Jerryworld covered in red.

There will be lots of Ohio State fans there, too.

I’m pretty convinced OSU is the evil empire that everyone with half a brain knows is wrong and bad but ... hey we’re still making money right?

Yes. We are. On TCU.

I don’t see a line for the Iowa game, but DM me on Twitter and we’ll cook something up.

No matter what, we’re putting a deposit on the Hawkeyes because money — like time and love and happiness — is a construct.