Hello Jerry Comment-Bag: Football is not Fútbol.

Welcome to the Hello Jerry Mailbag COMMENT-BAG! Why not a “mailbag”? Well, for starters, the only piece of mail I’ve ever gotten from a “fan” was a Wisconsin Badgers poster — until someone, somewhere hooks me up with that Fortnite jawn. Secondly, I know you all know I’m equally as great as that succubus Jerry Blevins, so your hashtags and mentions are no longer necessary. At the end of the day, I just need you, the sometimes funny, but often moody commenters of Black Heart Gold Pants. No matter how outlandish or serious your questions may be, I’ll be here every Friday to answer them. Because after all, team work makes the dream work.

“Buon giorno Mr. and Mrs. Jer-o-me Scherwin and welcome to Norwegian Cruise Line’s Epic. My name is Paolo and I’ll be your deck steward. Is there anything I can help you with before you head to your rooms and the safety meeting on Deck 6?”

Actually, yes. Yes you can Paolo. Does this cruise line show football games at night when we get back from our excursions?

“Oh yes, of course Jer-o-me, sir. We will have tons of football on for our guests. We have an exclusive, all-sports channel in your rooms as well.”

Awesome! A few of the games I want to watch come on a little late though. One around midnight local time and the other around two in the morning. Is there somewhere we can watch those?

“Oh yes. Oh yes. Of course Mr. Jer-o-me. Of course. You can go down to O’Sheehan’s. They are open all day and all night and they are always playing football.”

Hands Paolo a few Euros and basically hugs him for the great news.

After a lovely tour of Palma de Mallorca and a wine tasting at Macia Batle, my wife and I got back on deck, ate a wonderful sushi dinner and watched the Not So Newly Wed, Newly Wed Game in which I realized two things:

1. Cruise Director’s are very interesting people that have to have a screw or two loose to do what they do. Not hating, just would like to see their psych eval.

2. Playing Cruise Ship games for ““undisclosed prizes” is not smart. Case in point: One gentleman’s wife disclosed to an entire ship that she refers to her husbands “member” as Little Bird. He couldn’t take a step in or out of the pool area without the whole place erupting as if he was Norm from Cheers.

Shortly after, I grabbed my wife and told her it was time. We went to our state room, changed into our Iowa gear and headed to O’Sheehans.

As I hooked a leg around one of the empty bar stools and looked up at one of the TV’s, horror crossed my face.

Football... Football is not FOOTBALL here.

Football is FÚTBOL.

I grabbed the bartenders attention and pleaded with him to change the channel to Football Americano; preferably Fox.

He didn’t know what Fox was and he surely didn’t know about any Football Americano.

I panicked. Running over to Guest Services with a look on my face that must’ve been half Jack Torrence and half Eli Manning, I asked them where the football was being played? Was it out on the pool deck on the big screen? Perhaps in the Manhattan Room? Where? WHERE?!

“I’m sorry sir. You are about the 100th person to ask today. Only the Norwegian Cruiselines that tour the Caribbean get American football.”

At the time of this writing, I still have yet to watch the Iowa-Iowa State game. I have yet to learn what happened or what the final score was. I DO know that we are playing Wisconsin in prime time in two weeks, which is a big context clue as to what the end result was. But that’s all I know...right now.

By the time I get back with you all on Friday I will have surely watched Hate Week twice, just to scratch a week long itch. I will have thoughts for you all and we will have this comment bag.

I’ll see all of your beautiful souls again Friday...

Ciao!

You know the drill. Get your questions in. It was a great Week 1, so the bar is raised pretty high. You can leave them in the comments below (or Tweet me if you’d like).

L’Chaim.

Love you all.