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TAKE MY MONEY: HOW TO GAMBLE ON WEEK ONE OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL

WE’RE BACK AND IT’S BASICALLY PRACTICALLY LEGAL NOW

The last six months have been ... difficult to say the least. I’ve bet on things I wouldn’t admit to in a confessional with the Pope. Here’s a quick summary:

  • Would Meghan Markle’s dad show up to the Royal Wedding (YES +240). This one was a BAD loss.
  • Will 12 year-old’s from Hawaii beat South Korea in baseball (Hawaii +155). Great bet. Those kids know SPAM and baseball.
  • Yulia Tikhonova (the pride of Belarus) to win gold in the Ladies Sprint Classic in Pyongyang (+3200). Ok, that line looked too good to be true, and to be honest I thought Belarusians could scoot on skis. Her 35th-place finish proved me wrong.

Someone let Nelnet know why I’m late on that student loan payment. It’s Yulia’s fault.

But, we’re BACK BABY. It’s football season. It’s the best five-month stretch of the year for my bookie and if you follow me, your bookie will own a yacht by the end of September. All that being said, here are my surefire 5-0 LOCKS OF THE WEEK. They may not be sexy but let’s be honest, if you only went after sexy you’d still be living in uncle Jed’s trailer.

1. Auburn (-135) vs. Washington

Here’s the thing, Washington just does not show up against non-conference ranked opponents. Let’s not mess with the spread here and lay a little extra juice and ride the War Eagle train.

2. Kansas vs Nicholls State (No Line yet, but we’re moneylining NSU)

Kansas really sucks at football. Nicholls State is not great, but they compete early on in the season. The line isn’t posted yet because Vegas is terrified. Bet the mortgage on the Southland Conference here. I have a major gambling problem.

3. Notre Dame (-1) vs. Michigan

I hate both of these programs more than Ohio State hates real punishments. Here’s the thing though, I don’t care if Michigan has a QB transfer from Ole Miss that is “Harbaugh’s guy”. ESPN tried to show his highlight tape from Ole Miss and in every highlight they were down 20 or more points. He’s #FakeNews.

I’m not even going to preview Notre Dame because I don’t want to. This is a blind 100% guaranteed win for us. My cousin’s ex husband had a dog named Rockne, so go Irish.

4. Oklahoma vs FAU (+21)

Growing up, I was always taught that if you worked hard you could work your way up to the top. Then I started following Lane Kiffin in Oakland. What an animal. The pride of Boca Raton is going to march into Norman and keep it close in a shootout with the Sooners. I want to be Lane Kiffin.

5. LSU (+3.5) vs Miami

I sunk A LOT of money into a Buick dealership in Baton Rouge back in ‘09. Did it pan out? Absolutely not. Technically, I owe the state of Louisiana some cash, but this weekend they’ll be making me money finally. I believe in two things: First, Hot Pockets can cause severe burns to the scrotum. Second, Coach O could convince me to reopen that dealership. We might be screwed here if Mark Richt is still Goatee Mark Richt.

WAIT.

WE’RE NOT BETTING IOWA???

Of course you are, but I didn’t need to tell you that.

Starting next week, we’ll be betting purely on common themes for the games that week. This week we’re just going to dust that saddle off and get back on the horse. Enjoy the money and don’t @ me when your bookie doesn’t pay you on Monday.