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Hello Jerry Comment-Bag: The Delusion Before The Swarm

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Guess who’s back? Back again?

NCAA Football: NCAA Football: Purdue at Iowa David Scrivner-USA TODAY Sports

After a long break — where I decided to move from Orlando to Philadelphia because I couldn’t handle living in a city with a fugazi Natty— I decided the timing is right, yet again, to open up The Pants to you, the people. Welcome to the Hello Jerry Mailbag COMMENT-BAG! Why not a “mailbag.” Well, for starters, the only piece of mail I’ve ever gotten from a “fan” was a Wisconsin Badgers poster. And secondly, I’m almost 30 now! No longer do I need your tweets or hashtags to feel important or that I’m equally as great as that succubus Jerry Blevins. I just need you, the sometimes funny, but often moody commenters of Black Heart Gold Pants. No matter how outlandish (just ask Indy Hawk) or serious your questions may be, I’ll be here every Friday to answer them. Because after all, team work makes the dream work


As I sat with my laptop open trying to think about what to write before getting on my knees to beg you all for enough questions to warrant this column on a weekly basis, I legitmately wandered off into the doldrums of my optimistic brain and got stuck imagining what the 2018 Iowa Hawkeyes offense CAN look like. Dreams of Matt Nagy (it’s a bad habit) and Bill Belichick’s offense with multi-faceted tight ends and speedy receivers that can stretch the defense forward, backward, and side-to-side danced in my head.

It wasn’t until I heard Mel-B talk about her “bell-ay laff” on America’s Got Talent that I snapped out of it.

I know it’s a fools errand. I know what Iowa’s offense will more than likely be, BUT that’s not enough to stop me. I think about the ceiling for this team’s offensive capabilities all the time. Perhaps it’s partially because of the talent the Hawkeyes are bringing back from last years team. Perhaps it’s partially because there are legit scouts and pundits (who, correct me if I’m wrong, never really say anything nice about Iowa in terms of first round talent THIS early in the season) that are flaunting all over Noah Fant and Nate Stanley. Perhaps it’s partially because I believe in Ken O’Keefe’s ability to fill in some of the glaring holes that Stanley put on tape last year. Perhaps it’s partially because I think Brian Ferentz (with the help of their old buddy Bill and the Georgia staff) might have finally taken enough reins from his father to put a big stamp on the future of this program.

Perhaps it’s partially because I think the set of hyphens that cracked the depth chart can be two of the best game breakers we’ve ever seen play at Kinnick Stadium. Perhaps it’s partially because outside of that early contest against Wisconsin at home, the schedule looks to be a Yellow Brick Road back to Indy.

Or, perhaps I’m just a lunatic that doesn’t understand what the word “insanity” means.

But, that’s ultimately why I love the build up leading to the first game of the season. It’s exciting. It’s new. It’s fresh. And outside of any unforeseen injuries in camp that can derail this line of thinking, there is very little that can convince me that this isn’t going to finally be “the year” everything changes and stars line up for the ol’ Hawkeyes.

And why not? If William Thatcher can become Sir Ulrich von Liechtenstein, why can’t Iowa make another dramatic run to the Big Ten Championship, only this time, it’s the Hawkeyes that put together a nine-minute drive with gut-wrenching first down after gut wrenching first down on their way to a last minute victory? Why can’t they go to the playoff and cement themselves as a contender in the Big Ten Conference for as long as there is a Ferentz at the helm and not some measuring stick for Wisconsin.

Why can’t Iowa get their teeth kicked in by Alabama but get enough noteriety among the next wave of pro-style quarterbacks and tight ends and offensive lineman and pass rushers that suddenly Iowa is pulling consistent four-star talent that also have their expected work ethic and drive?

WHY NOT US?

Now, if you don’t mind, for the next three and half days I beg of you not to piss in my Cheerios. I know this isn’t healthy, but this is the way I choose to live. I just ask that you let me have that before I ultimately want to throw my phone at the wall after Sutton Smith’s third sack in the first half against Northern Illinois.


Alright you scoundrels, enough about Jerry’s Land of Make Believe. Make sure to get your questions in. It’s been a minute, so the bar is raised pretty high. You can leave them in the comments below. Don’t let Indy Hawk take all of the good ones from you.

L’Chaim.

Love you all.