Well fuck that weekend!
Another Saturday filled with blood and tears and barbecue sauce and for what cost? For starters, our collective happiness and sanity but that’s of no importance, I guess.
Let’s just recap quick what we learned here:
- Ohio State sucks
- Penn State sucks
- Minnesota SUCKS
- Iowa sucks
- Northwestern isn’t good enough
- Purdue probably isn’t either tbh
- Michigan is the only good team
And that’s it! You don’t even need to read the rest because I more or less just arbitrarily assign numbers to 14 teams the rest of the way!
1. Michigan (8-1, 6-0)
I already told you, Michigan is the only good team in the Big Ten. The rest of the season is utterly pointless. Let us roll over and leave Jim Harbaugh to his lactose khakis for the rest of the year and just revisit this whole mess 9 1⁄2 months from now.
2. Northwestern (5-4, 5-1)
The Big Ten West leader deserves to be here. Can’t wait to watch them lose next week!
3. Michigan State (6-3, 4-2)
I firmly believe Michigan State is a good team when Brian Lewerke isn’t under center. Will he continue to get reps? I don’t know but it must be nice to know you can turn to a backup at quarterback and still feel confident in your team to win games! This is not a subtweet it is just a general observation!
4. Purdue (5-4, 4-2)
Purdue isn’t losing the rest of the year and will likely earn the honor of getting dismantled by Michigan in the Big Ten Championship game. Then Jeff Brohm will bolt for Auburn and we can go back to kicking their ass.
5. Ohio State (8-1, 5-1)
Ohio State SUCKS. Dwane Haskins wouldn’t be able to hit a Tesla during San Fernando rush hour and if Scott Frost weren’t so wet behind the ears Nebraska probably woulda pulled this one out. Also JK Dobbins should play quarterback.
6. Wisconsin (6-2, 4-3)
If it wasn’t for Jonathan Taylor, Wisconsin probably would’ve lost to Rutger. Seriously. What’s that say about everyone else here on down?!?
7. Penn State (6-3, 3-3)
8. Iowa (6-3, 3-3)
Is Iowa a good bad team or a bad good team or just bad? I think I know which one! We are the Stoop Kids of college football, forever afraid (or ill-equipped) to leave the cozy bosom that is our stoop perched somewhere between seven and eight wins for all of eternity.
9. Nebraska (2-7, 1-5)
Nebraska’s propensity to score points probably puts them above the rest of the pack. Disagree with me all you want I don’t care! I want to be proved wrong and likely will be!
10-13. Illinois, Rutgers, Maryland, Indiana
Sure, take your pick I don’t care.
14. Minnesota (4-5, 1-5)
The Gophers are back to the bottom after proving me wrong and showing that Illinois isn’t masquerading as Not The Worst Team In The Big Ten. Look at this! Illinois ran for 430 yards! 430! 646 total yards! Illinois hasn’t had that much offense since ever! Seriously look it up. Fuck you Minnesota. The mostly decent people of that state deserve so much better than your shit sandwich of a football program.