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LOOK WHO COMES CRAWLING BACK, returning to this sad corner of the shaded interweb, searching, nay, BEGGING for my sage gambling advice after I went a scorching hot 5-0* last week.

And I’m here laughing maniacally — not only because I have three different kinds of salami in my fridge. Nay! I’m laughing because 1. I was about 17 mezcal mules deep when I picked the games last week and 2. you came here thinking we’re gonna ride a winning streak while in reality I am certain to go 1-4 this week.

Let’s ride this high all the way to the end of the agave rainbow!

Texas -2 vs. West Virginia

Give me the horns giving two points to Nash Grier at home every damn day. I don’t see Texas losing two in a row and Oklahoma State is fine so that’s not even that bad of a loss. Definitely not as bad as Texas’ loss to Maryland hoo boy no. And how about this for a segue!?

Michigan State -2.5 at Maryland

Are we taking advantage of an unfortunate and also absolutely chaotic situation at Maryland? We’re taking advantage of an unfortunate and also absolutely chaotic situation at Maryland.

LSU +14.5 vs. Alabama

LSU getting over two touchdowns at home?!? Are you kidding me?! I don’t care if they’re playing a team that would probably beat the Oakland Radiers, I’m taking LSU and 14.5 points in Death Valley and seriously considering donating some blood tomorrow so I can lay down even more scratch on the Coach O’s.

Minnesota -9.5 at Illinois

Bet against Illinois. Just keep doing it! Come on, don’t be an idiot!

Clemson -38.5 vs. Louisville

This seems pretty dumb but I picked it for a couple reasons. The first is Clemson is looking for style points while Alabama is playing probably the best game of the entire season later on in the day. Another reason I like this is because Louisville is really, really bad. They lost to Georgia Tech by 35 points. Think about that for a second. They lost to a triple-option team by six touchdowns. And finally, I like Clemson here simply because there isn’t a single other game this weekend where I liked the spread, and I always pick five games for syntax AND so you get your money’s worth. You’re welcome.

Please send me money! I’m going to need to turn on the space heater in my crawlspace pretty soon!

*I actually went 4-0-1 but any seasoned gambler will tell you a push is a win so suck an egg.