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Comment Bag: Indyhawk, Nate “Cyborg” Stanley and Halloween Costumes

It feels so good to be back.

Maryland v Iowa Photo by Matthew Holst/Getty Images

At some point, I’m going to be forced into doing an all indyhawk bag.

Q: Vagueness around Stanley’s condition during media events means he’s not playing, right? Keeping his hand inside his pocket likely means it’s been amputated and replaced with a hook, right?


Q: I went to Walmart this week, walked through the bedding aisle. Sheets, blankets, and stuff. The guy next to me was absolutely baked and reeked of weed. Radiating it – must have been hotboxing for a month or something. Have you ever bought Walmart textiles while stoned? Were you happy with the experience?


Q: If you were chaperoning some young elementary school students to see Halloween tonight, would you have them share popcorn or each get their own?

— indyhawk

God bless you, Indy. Every week I ask for questions and every week you some how come up with multiples that are equal parts childish and equal parts outlandish. I sir, applaud you. Now, there is plenty to get to here, so lets jump right in:

Nate Stanley is going to play Saturday and for anyone that is wishing he wouldn’t, just go ahead and click that little “X” at the top right hand corner of your screen. I’ve already got your click so we’re Gucci.

Now, say Nate Stanley did have to get his hand amputated, what would be the best tool to have surgically attached that would allow him to function throughout the rest of his life?

It can’t be a hook. I’ve only seen those things leave a trace scar on a human’s belly and get stuck in a clock. It’s can’t be a chain saw a la Evil Dead. Do you know how many times I grace my leg with my hands as I walk? I’d be down a hand and a leg in a matter of minutes.

I thought a lot about this (too long even) and I was really, really close to selling myself on a stainless steel spatula being the ultimate option. Instead of being a football player, Nate could become The Spatula Wielding Grill Pit Master and eventually get a show on Netflix or something. It would also make him the all-time grill master in his group of friends, which makes him an alpha.

It was Halloween and I was watching Hocus Pocus and ready to start taping a spatula to my own damn hand when I remembered something that could potentially keep Stanley playing football WHILE fixing his accuracy problem.

What if Iowa City scientists took the pieces from the Seeker and attached them to Stanley and created the first ever QB Cyborg?

If any of you are great artists out there, I BEG of you to draw this up for me. I’ll print it out with some of the tech I have at work and I’ll send you a copy.

In terms of purchases while stoned, I’ve never thought about getting textiles. And if I was thinking about purchasing textiles while stoned, I wouldn’t be doing it at a Walmart. But if you said you were walking through a Bed, Bath & Beyond well, now we’re talking. Could you imagine what that would be like under the influence of anything? Think about that layout. Hundreds of isles — all of which are fun sized — with shelves as tall as library stacks filled to the brim with sheets, and towels and pillows and Snuggies and As Seen on TV garbage you don’t need when you’re sober but talk yourself into while you’re high.

I would buy so many textiles and probably a few Perfect Bacon Bowls just to hand out to my friends.

Finally, for your last question, children should always have their own.

Q: Which loss frustrates you more? Wisconsin or Penn State?

— JPinIC

The answer to this has to be Wisconsin. First, there has been exactly one Alex Hornibrook game this season, and it was when Iowa was daring him to throw on them for the division. Secondly, this game — at that time at least — was the defacto Big Ten West Championship game. Thirdly, Hornibrook put together an 88-yard, 10-play drive that took nearly five minutes off the clock that put the Badgers up 21-17 with less than a minute left on the play clock. Fourth(ly), Hornibrook only faced one third down that entire drive. Fifthly, Iowa ran Stanley on a slow dive in the first quarter on a 4th-and-1 from the Badgers five yard line and he didn’t get it...not scoring there really, really hurt in the moment and in hindsight.

While Penn State hurt, Iowa could’ve afforded to lose that type of game had they just finished off Wisconsin back in September. Plus, Iowa still controls their own destiny.

Q: I now you’re done making plans, but, what’s your plan with that? Like, how do you do that? Mental list or layout to make sure you avoid doing certain things?

— trez1313

Well, my plan is to start living life one day at a time and Instagraming a lot of motivational quotes.

Q: Question: Why should we expect to beat NW and Purdue, when they have both demonstrated their ability to beat good teams in 2018 and we haven’t?

— Beltway Hawk

WE shouldn’t expect to beat anyone besides Illinois anymore. WE shouldn’t expect to beat jNW (who I have been touting as a solid ass Big Ten football team for the entire season and have been laughed at by most). WE shouldn’t expect to beat Purdue this weekend (because who knows what we’re going to get from Nate Stanley).

The only thing I WILL tell you all to expect is that three of the last four games are going to be so massively uncomfortable, we should all consider sitting on our best pillows.

Q: Which Halloween costume are you most (and least) proud of?

— BenjaminRoss

I am most proud of my Mario Kart costume that I wore for adult Halloween in Orlando a few years ago:

That took us about four hours to make and by the end of the night, they were so well built, they were still somehow intact — balloons and all — after five hours of being out and about in Downtown:

My least proud costume has to be when I went as a Chick Magnet when I was like 13. Not only was I not a “Chick Manet”, I was still wearing Husky jeans and generic Nike’s you can only purchase at Kohls. I was basically Gerry Garner from Heavyweights.

What about you all? What was your most proud/lead proud costumes ever?

Hope you all have a great weekend.

Go Hawks.