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NCAA Football: Michigan at Rutgers Noah K. Murray-USA TODAY Sports

I spent my entire Sunday afternoon applying to MBA programs just so I can start cheering for a new college football team.

We learned this weekend that Iowa simply can’t have nice things. Or re-learned that, rather. Iowa can never be good, it can never capitalize on the best opportunity to win the Big Ten in a generation, it can never satisfy us.

There are now students at the University of Iowa who have never known a Ferentz-free football experience. Maybe the grass is greener but maybe it’s not! It doesn’t matter because Kirk Ferentz isn’t going anywhere, and to perhaps your even greater dismay, neither am I.

Let’s get this over with.

1. Michigan (9-1, 7-0)

Don Brown is what we thought Phil Parker was going to be at the beginning of the year. A rematch with Northwestern will be whatever. Michigan vs. Northwestern in the Big Ten Championship game. Just say that out loud! It’s disgusting!

2. Northwestern (6-4, 6-1)

Talk about role reversal between Northwestern and Iowa. Iowa started 6-1 and might not win again! Northwestern might not lose again after starting 1-3. UGH.

3. Ohio State (9-1, 6-1)

Ohio State might actually be good and Michigan State might actually be bad. But I bet both teams are just bad, because everyone in the Big Ten is ass.

4. Penn State (7-3, 4-3)

They just plain suck!

5. Michigan State (6-4, 4-3)

I thought Michigan State was going to bounce back after Rocky Lombardi got in the game but hoo boy no that did not happen at all. Michigan State doesn’t have a quarterback right now but at least they’re trying some guys out! This isn’t meant to be read in a sarcastic tone I’m really happy Michigan State thinks it can try out a new quarterback without totally ruining the confidence of the incumbent!

6-13. The rest

Let’s just rundown what happened this past weekend right here:

  • Purdue got the doors blown off by Minnesota. MINNESOTA. Purdue scored 10 points against a defense that allowed 600 yards to Illinois a week ago. Like what in the actual fuck?
  • Nebraska shit all over Illinois, despite allowing nearly 400 rushing yards to the Illini.
  • Peyton Ramsey threw some GEMS in what was actually an exciting game in a 34-32 win over Maryland. Those teams are still incredibly irrelevant!
  • Wisconsin has never had a quarterback. Go look at Jack Coan’s box score and then bitch about Nate Stanley to me.

I believe that brings us to our last point of business:

14. Iowa (6-4, 3-4)

There is no team in the Big Ten cooler than Iowa right now. It feels like the wheels have fallen off the stolen station wagon and everyone is having a minor life crisis. No one is afraid of this Iowa team and for good reason. It looks and feels lifeless and this whole season has been a course in malpractice and mismanagement.

This is not our standard, but it is our reality.