BIG TEN FOOTBALL POWER RANKINGS: WEEK 9

Once again we are faced with these truths: that the Big Ten SUCKS, it has always sucked and will continue to suck. Time is a flat circle. Northwestern might be OK. And remember when I called Purdue our eskimo brother? That grim fact of life is even more true now that they took a blowout win over Ohio State only to trip on its own rake the very next weekend.

Northwestern, please, bring the Big Ten back to relevancy:

1. Michigan (7-1, 5-0)

Michigan is far and away the Big Ten’s best looking team at the moment. They’ll probably lose to Penn State this week.

2. Ohio State (7-1, 4-1)

The Buckeyes definitely have the easiest road rest of the year between them and Michigan. This ship could sink, however and I’m not sure if the loss to Purdue was galvanizing or a symptom. Also, fuck Ohio State.

3. Penn State (6-2, 3-2)

And the Big Three are BACK in a slightly different order. Penn State is not good, but Iowa is bad and everything sucks. Even at 70 percent Trace McSorley is better than most and Penn State will go as far as he’ll take them.

4. Michigan State (5-3, 3-2)

It was very cute of us to more or less write off Michigan State for the rest of the year. It wasn’t the first time and it won’t be the last.

5. Northwestern (5-3, 5-1)

Sure, why not!?

6. Iowa (6-2, 3-2)

Everything is bad. Ten wins is still very much on the table, and that would be great, but our best win would be ... Iowa State? Northwestern? Let’s just win the rest of our games and let sleeping dogs lay. Let’s also cheer for everyone else to lose.

7. Wisconsin (5-3, 3-2)

Wisconsin isn’t bowl eligible! That’s a funny thought.

8. Purdue (4-4, 3-2)

Go back to where you belong, Purdue: irrelevancy.

9. Minnesota (4-4, 1-4)

Look, I hate Minnesota as much as the next guy, but they may have finally found a modicum of an offense by switching their quarterback, and frankly, I’m glad it took them it eight games to do so.

10. Nebraska (2-6, 1-4)

Good on the Huskers for getting their second win of the year against the hated Bethune Cookman Wildcats. Lord there’s a ton of Wildcats in college sports. Let’s get that fixed. Fix your cats! We can make it happen.

11. Maryland (5-3, 3-2)

Maryland probably should be ranked higher. I do this a lot. Whatever, it’s difficult to cut and paste right now.

12. Indiana (4-5, 1-3)

Good on Indiana for scoring 22 points in the fourth quarter in Minnesota. Peyton Ramsey is still kinda good, I guess but I think Indiana is going to have one hell of a time becoming bowl-eligible.

13. Rutgers (1-7, 0-5)

Two of my best friends got married this weekend. Just a couple of Hawkeyes who met in Rienow Hall back in their freshmen year. Just a fantastic wedding and the most delightful weekend. Really happy for them.

14. Illinois (3-5, 1-4)

I am so sick and tired of Illinois. Get away! Nothing about you is tolerable. You lost to Maryland by 30 points. 30! Rutgers at least would’ve maybe lost by 50 and made it more ridiculous. I hate you Illinois I hate you!