From now on, when I’m down in the dumps, I’ll look back on the Purdue-Ohio State game from this past Saturday and smile. Ohio State was perfectly content to let Urban Meyer back in the football complex this year just to lose to Purdue. I’m proud to call OMHR our Eskimo Brother.
Also, I don’t want to say I called Ohio State losing to Purdue, but I called Ohio State losing to Purdue.
And with that, the Big Ten still SUCKS! Arguably worse than we ever could have imagined.
1. Michigan (7-1, 5-0)
Shea Patterson actually looked like a halfway-competent quarterback against Michigan State, which is the meanest thing you can say about Sparty’s defensive gameplan. Brian Lewerke, meanwhile, looked like he was playing against 11 direwolves and an actual wolverine. And Wolverine the X-men (X-man?) Michigan had 4 sacks, and they’re basically Iowa, what with a rockstar defense and shakier offense. But Iowa has Nate Stanley and not some guy named after the second-best baseball stadium in New York, which is fitting, because Shea Patterson is normally the second-best quarterback on the field.
2. Purdue (4-3, 3-1)
I’m putting the Boilermakers here simply because I refuse to rank Iowa second before our matchup with the Nits this week. And I’m pretty sure I put Iowa at No. 1 in my super smart power rankings after we pantsed Ohio State last year, so fair’s fair. Purdue is the scariest team around right now, and they’re not going away.
3. Iowa (6-1, 3-1)
You know that thing I said about Iowa’s offense last week? Well that’s Iowa’s defense now. Just the kind of pornographic endeavor you expect to encounter during an episode of The Deuce. I’d much rather watch Iowa football, however, simply because it’s devoid of James Franco and contains Anthony Nelson, who is inarguably more flirtatious and provocative than Franco.
4. Ohio State (7-1, 4-1)
I’ve already said my piece on Ohio State.
5. Wisconsin (5-2, 3-1)
Alex Hornibrook was once again Not Good, and the fact he cut Iowa up to pieces hurts more and more every week. Wisconsin is still incredibly vulnerable when its quarterback can’t move the chains. (Wisconsin was just 3-8 on third down against Illinois... it did have 31 first downs against the Illini, though. Whatever. They’re losing again and Iowa isn’t so nothing matters.)
6. Northwestern (4-3, 4-1)
Holy shit I just remembered Northwestern only beat rutger by three points. Whatever I’m not changing this it’s too late.
7. Penn State (5-2, 2-2)
Indiana basically exposed Penn State for the frauds they are this week. And when I say exposed I mean the Hoosiers were just the latest team to remind James Franklin that he needs Joe Moorhead and a generational running back to get an invitation to the big kids table.
8. Michigan State (4-3, 2-2)
Should Michigan State be higher? Maybe. Should Brian Lewerke have connected on more than 20 percent of his passes this weekend? Definitely.
9. Indiana (4-4, 1-4)
I only put Indiana above Maryland because we dominated Maryland in such erotic defensive fashion. Also Indiana should’ve beaten Penn State. But we’re glad they didn’t.
10. Maryland (4-3, 2-2)
Have you heard about how thoroughly we dominated Maryland’s offense? It’s a cool story, I can tell you about it sometime. After Illinois this week, Maryland plays Michigan State, Indiana, Ohio State and Penn State. Things don’t look so good for the Terps.
11. Nebraska (1-6, 1-4)
12. Illinois (3-4, 1-3)
Illinois is so damn lucky it plays in the same conference as Nebraska and Minnesota and Rutgers, simply because its own brand of complete and total ass is overshadowed by historically inept teams and Lovie Smith’s beard. Its scoring differential is -10! They turned it over 5 times against Wisconsin! Five! Get this shit out of here!
13. rutger (1-7, 0-5)
Went and saw Florence & the Machine on Friday. Just had a delightful time. Vikings won, Bears lost. Drinking some Henry McKenna bourbon right now. Nice little weekend over at the Ross household.
14. Minnesota (3-4, 0-4)
Thank you, Minnesota, for spoiling everyone’s fun and LOSING TO WINLESS NEBRASKA. NEBRASKA, Y’KNOW, THE TEAM THAT LOST TO TROY AT HOME. You let Adrian Martinez, a career 60 percent passer go 25-29, raising his rating six whole points in one game*, you asshats.
*I might’ve made that last part up but I don’t care. PJ Fleck STINKS.
Tune in next week where I’ll teach you how to mix and pour a proper Hobo Negroni!