Yo ho ho, what’s this?! Another installment of BENNY BETS for lunch you say? No one asked for this you mumble to yourself? Why do I waste my time with this every week? you subtweet off into the stratosphere.
I’ll tell you why. Because I made you money last week (don’t worry about the weeks prior) and this is your only reliable source of income now that you’ve reached the point where your entire paycheck goes to your employer, assuming your employer is either 1. A liquor store 2. A strip club or iii. Culver’s. So here I am, once again to save you from crippling depression and debt to a strip club bouncer.
If anyone has connections to Texas, please tell Tom Herman my services are available on a personal level.
ANYWAY, here’s how we’re going to make money this week:
Michigan State +7.5 vs. Michigan
OH BOY Michigan State is going to punt for more total yardage than its offense and will still to find a way to cover if not win this game outright. Shea Patterson is going to turn into a lame duck due to all the Nervous Birds he consumes and since acid rain is in the forecast in Lansing we’re just going to assume this is the only shower Michigan State players have taken all season.
Smelly men always beat Michigan Men, people forget that.
Nebraska -3.5 vs. Minnesota
Nebraska is hungrier for a win than PJ Fleck is for validation among his peers, therefore we’re calling this the DESPERATION BOWL, fought between two starving hyenas for leftover bone marrow. Both these teams STINK and this very well could be the worst display of overall quarterbacking we’ll see all year which is why we’re keeping things frosty.
DISCLAIMER: I hate both these programs so I’m probably going to bet on both teams and eat the vig like the sadist I am.
Oregon +3 at Washington State
I haven’t watched a single second of Wazzu football this year but have seen plenty of Oregon to know that the Ducks are to be taken seriously and they’ve already gotten their dumb loss out of the way this season. Mike Leach still pines for the Florida Keys and felines like a Hemingway fetishist, while Mario Cristobal just wants to earn enough money to retire and live a life on the ocean while gaining acclaim from hundreds of thousands of beatniks … also not unlike a Hemingway fetishist.
Memphis +9 at Missouri
Memphis football flies under the radar, and beating a HORRIFIC Missouri team on its own homecoming is exactly the kind of thing Memphis football is meant to do. It’s manifest destiny and there’s nothing Mizzou can do from one Alpha Tiger coming in and stealing all its Tiger girlfriends.
LSU -6 vs. Mississippi State
Similar to literally all of my gambling predictions, I’ve watched one of these teams at length and literally not a snap of the other. Therefore, after witnessing LSU dismantle my beloved Bulldogs last week as 7.5-point underdogs at home, we’re going to spot another 13 points and let LSU do what it does best, which at this point I think is covering spreads.
As I was putting this column to bed it was brought to my attention that LSU IS WEARING COLOR-CHANGING HELMETS Y’ALL WHATEVER YOU GOT PUT IT ON THE BAYOU BENGALS DON’T SAY I NEVER DID ANYTHING FOR YOUR STRIPPER-LOVING ASS.
Iowa is -12 right now. Seems risky! Just know that if Iowa covers I’m counting it as a win and if Iowa doesn’t cover I’m erasing this line from internet history.