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BIG TEN FOOTBALL POWER RANKINGS: WEEK SEVEN

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EVERYBODY SUCKS

NCAA Football: Michigan State at Penn State Rich Barnes-USA TODAY Sports

So the Big Ten sucks. Everyone sucks. Georgia sucks, Notre Dame sucks Alabama is going to win the rest of its games by a combined one million points and they should just cancel the season now.

They won’t cancel the season, however, because Iowa still has a chance to win the Big Ten. And that’s why they play the game, boys and girls.

1. Ohio State (7-0, 4-0)

This Ohio State team had a close one against a Minnesota team that is complete and total ass. Purdue will probably beat them next week.

2. Michigan (6-1, 4-0)

Shea Patterson is becoming a semi-competent quarterback but this Michigan defense is SPECIAL. Michigan is very beatable and I hate everything about Iowa’s loss to Wisconsin.

3. Iowa (5-1, 2-1)

Iowa’s offense is just sex on a stick right now and the Hawkeyes are the only good team in the Big Ten. Once all our defenders get back from the trainers room the Hawkeyes will be BACK and Wisconsin is going to lose the rest of its games because Alex Hornibrook has hands like feet.

4. Penn State (4-2, 1-2)

Penn State forgot to score points against Michigan State and Iowa fans know the pain Penn State fans are experiencing when it comes to cheering for a complete and total dumpster fire of an offense. James Franklin is no Kirk Ferentz, people forget that.

5. Wisconsin (4-2, 2-1)

Alex Hornibrook went 7-20 against Michigan. Jonathan Taylor’s talent is getting set on fire.

6. Michigan State (4-2, 2-1)

Michigan State somehow beat Penn State and themselves in a wild win that could resuscitate their season. Some quick box score investigation: MSU had 25 first downs, but was just 5/19 on third down conversions. Brian Lewerke threw the ball 52 times! They were only penalized three times! Everyone sucks! A loss to Michigan next week will cure this feeling for Michigan State quickly.

7. Purdue (3-3, 2-1)

Purdue’s offense is back and Rondale Moore is the most electrifying offensive player in the conference not named Jonathan Taylor or Dwane Haskins or Nate Stanley or Ihmir Smith-Marsette or TJ Hockenson or Noah Fant.

8. Maryland (4-2, 2-1)

Minnesota is keeping the No. 10 seat warm for after Maryland gets rocked this weekend.

9. Northwestern (3-3, 3-1)

Northwestern is currently your Big Ten west co-leader and this is probably far too low for the Wildcats but I don’t care because Clayton Thorson attempted 64 passes and threw for 455 yards and they still needed overtime to beat Nebraska.

10. Minnesota (3-3, 0-3)

Minnesota-Nebraska this weekend is going to be an exercise in which fake head coach can out coachspeak against the other fake head coach.

11. Indiana (4-3, 1-3)

Remember when we were supposed to be worried over Peyton Ramsey?

12. Illinois (3-3, 1-2)

Lovie Smith, a coach who’s known for his defensive prowess, just surrendered 46 points at home.

On Homecoming.

To Purdue.

13. Rutger (1-6, 0-4)

This weekend I had a Moscow Mule for the first time in a while. It was better than I remember, but a little too sweet. Would’ve been improved with bourbon or gin instead of vodka.

14. Nebraska (0-6, 0-4)