Comment Bag: Lamps, Elephants, How to Start Your Tailgate and Confidence in Brandon Smith

Q: Hello Jerry! Question for you... why have you bet on Eli Manning not once, but twice this season?

— Hello Jerry

Because I tend to overreact which makes me a year-by-year sucker that should just donate his money to a charity. Also because I bet on the Panthers last week and as you well know, I got boned hard at the hands of Eli Manning and the Giants. Also because I bet on the Eagles last week and their pass rush couldn’t get to Kirk Cousins and their corners couldn’t stop Adam Theilen at home to save their lives. How could they prevent OBJ and Sterling Shepard and Saquon?

How could they prevent OBJ and STerling Shepard and Saquon? They didn’t have to. Eli did that all himself.

On to the real mailbag.

Q: Hello, Jerry! What’s the best lamp ever? I’m thinking categories like: table lamp, lava lamp, one leg with fishnet style lamps, floor lamps, those weird floor lamps with multiple lights at different levels. Maybe you’ve got an entirely different lamp in mind! What’s your favorite? Also, does the light bulb one uses in a lamp have an effect on how awesome the lamp is?

— EnergizerHawk

EH, you never cease to amaze me with your questions. It’s truly hard hitting stuff and after spending a night stewing over Eli Manning I needed one of your classics. You more than delivered.

As a kid of the 90’s, there is only one lamp that I will ever consider to be “the best” and it’s this:

Now, some might say that’s just a light bro. To which, I say, screw you pal! Do you know what that light provided me as a youth? Countless hours of mind numbing Pokemon battles when I was supposed to be in bed because it was a school night, bub. That little squiggly plug in wasn’t just a light. It was life. We didn’t have all of these fancy, schmancy hand held Nintendo’s that lit up on their own. No sir. We needed light. And that little purple lamp did just that.

Q: Which do you like better, Nebugers or Rutbraska to describe the bottom of the Big Ten? Both have a certain je ne sais quoi, but which is more descriptive of abject futility?

— Stay thirsty, my friends

First off, any time I see or hear je ne sais quoi, I think of this:

Now I want cheap tater tots, a crappy hot dog and a sugar drink.

Anyways, I think if I was in charge of nicknaming the bottom of the Big Ten, I would call them Nebutgers. If Neburgers is je ne sais quoi, Nebutgers is “Jenna said what?”.

Q: We all want Noah Fant to play more. Would it, though, be fair if other teams actually used Elephants as your post clearly endorses? What if the elephants were allowed to block downfield?

— indyhawk

On a personal level, I believe we should save the elephants. I’m actually kind of passionate about it outside of the blogging world. BUT, could you imagine the technique on a line full of Kirk Ferentz-coached elephants?

Look at how well they engage and hold their blocks in a freaking lake. It’s beautiful.

If Kirk could have a line of all elephants, Iowa would never throw the football again. Then again, Kirk probably wouldn’t recruit a line full of elephants because they would be too highly rated, which would ultimately lead to them going to Alabama.

Roll tide.

Q: It’s 8:00 in the am before an 11:00 am kick. You plan to drink all the alcohols prior to entering the stadium. What do you start with?

— txhawkeye

It’s only 8:00 in the am? You better wake your ass up txhawkeye, we’ve already started the drinking games over here baby!

The first thing I’m doing (and will be doing in two weeks when I caravan 18 people up to Penn State) is having a shower beer around 6:00 in the morning. In my most humble opinion, there is no better way to start what will probably be a chilly tailgate than with a Rolling Rock or two in a hot shower. In fact, I might shotgun one before even getting in and sip on the other as I lather up.

After that, I’m probably pouring a little Baileys into my Dunkin’ coffee as a roadie sodie for the trip over.

From there, it’s a toss up based on the tailgate scene. Are we playing drinking games? Are we throwing the rock around? Am I playing bags? Are we sitting in lawn chairs and chatting? Am I trying to get as hammered as possible or just have a nice buzz before going into the game?

If its a healthy combination of all of those things and I’m simply trying to tie on a nice buzz before the game starts, I’m probably having a few Vodka Sodas with lime to get the juices flowing. After a few of those and an obligatory shot of something putrid (aka Fireball or some whiskey somebody had in their liquor cabinet that they’ve been desperately trying to get rid of), I’d probably switch over to something domestic, light and cold:

Q: What is Noah Fant’s preferred order of taco fixins?

— WaterlooChazz

Red(zone) peppers and never enough meat. ;)

Q: Three part question: Did Brandon Smith turn a corner in his development after his SC Top 10 catch? Why is Nate still rocking the ridiculous jersey sleeves? Is he a Sam Bradford fan? Did he get a tattoo he’s hiding from his mother? Do you feel more or less confident about winning 10 games after the Minnesota game?

— @ztgatton

1. Brandon Smith is a Greek statue in a football uniform. He’s always looked like he could become the kind of guy what would go down as one of the best wide receivers in Iowa history (did you know he wears XXXL gloves?) and I think, as a whole, that game against Minnesota did wonders for Smith and the rest of the unit’s confidence. Plus, getting that level of play on film is only going to help the Iowa offense in the long run. Teams are going to have to account for him and ISM more and more. Plus, with Noah Fant more than likely leaving after this season, Smith has an opportunity to start building that dependability with Nate now and reap the benefit of the leftover targets as a junior next season.
2. Maybe he’s a little self-conscious about his arms?

3. I feel more confident about Iowa’s outlook for the season. The quality of depth on this team is unlike anything I’ve seen as an Iowa fan. As we just briefly touched on, the offense was dynamic and Stanley was able to spread the ball all over the field. Defensively, it was just a weird game. Iowa gave up 14-points after two turnovers on their side of the field. Riley Moss got ripped a lot more than he probably deserved (In today’s game, if a team decides to only throw at you for an entire game, you’re going to give up something at some point. But the kid still had two picks and five tackles and showed some flashes). Julius Brents was Josh Jackson like. And the rest of the defense was solid despite a litany of injuries. This team is solid and deep as hell and I think it will be too much for Indiana to overcome.

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Happy Friday all! Stay warm out there.

L’Chaim.