TAKE MY MONEY: YOUR GUIDE TO BETTING ON WEEK 7 OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL

Have you ever wondered if you’d be as interested in college football (and sports in general) if you couldn’t recklessly consume alcohol and encased meats while also wagering half your paycheck on teenagers playing a bloodsport for little to no compensation?

Me neither.

We’re not going to discuss last week because as far as I’m concerned it never happened and also why do you think I don’t keep a record? Please don’t ask dumb questions in here that’s my job I’m king stupid.

All I can do is ask you to get back on this sick horse and ride your way to riches in week seven. All these bets are going to hit it’s science and even a broken clock is right twice a day or even three times if you live in New Mexico. Or is it Arizona that doesn’t have Daylight Savings I forget.

Northwestern -3.5 vs. Nebraska (11AM ABC)

Nebraska did in fact cover a 20-point spread against Wisconsin last week but I’m pretty confident that Northwestern can and will beat Netrashka by four points, if for no other reason than Clayton Thorson to prove he can do more with a throwing motion that is somehow worse than Adrian Martinez.

Pitt +21 at Notre Dame (1:30PM NBC)

Folks, we’ve seen this movie before. Pitt has the chance to ruin a perfect season and set a teams playoff hopes ablaze with grain alcohol and a sandwich stuffed with french fries. I don’t know a GDGD thing about Pitt, but I do know Brian Kelly and Notre Dame are just one dick-trip away from cancelling the season. I’m considering stowing away on a Greyhound from Chicago just to watch this thing go down in person.

Purdue -10.5 at Illinois (2:30 PM FS1)

Is Illinois worse than its record? Is Purdue better than its record? I think both!

LSU +7.5 vs Georgia (2:30 PM CBS)

I really, really like Georgia. I think Jake Fromm is an outlaw and Evander Holyfield’s son is the second coming of Evander Holyfield and Kirby Smart is diet Nick Saban and the Dawgs are gonna win it all.

I am also a sucker for home underdogs and a fierce believer in psychology. I would be certain of a Georgia win here had LSU taken care of business in the swamp last week, but not unlike the situation Iowa found itself in against Wisconsin, I think LSU is gonna be playing with a fire in its belly and none other than Coach O is holding the match.

West Virginia -7 at Iowa State (6PM FS1)

I am so excited for Iowa State to get thrashed after declaring a “monumental” win over an Oklahoma State team that somehow managed to score just 17 points against Texas Tech -- a team that has no known defense -- two weeks prior.

Will Grier is gonna continue to prove why he should be a household name, while Nash Grier is going to continue drinking over the fact that he no longer is one.

Bet Iowa.