Hellllllo degenerates. How are you doing today? Me? I’m great. I’m looking forward to a weekend full of college football, German beer, and weather that doesn’t require moisture-wicking fabric.
And boy that stench. Can you smell it in the air? It’s fall and it smells like Cyclone tears and money. Let’s get to it.
IOWA -3 (-150) AT IOWA STATE (+130)
The game: first off, we have the crown jewel of the weekend: HATE WEEK. Also known as Fact Week around these parts as of late, depending on who you talk to.
The line opened up at Iowa -2 in some books, and has now climbed to around 2.5-3 at most places. You know what that is? DISRESPECT. The ISU-UNI game last week wasn’t as lopsided as the 42-24 score indicated, and I firmly believe no one hates Iowa State more than Brian Ferentz. He’d give his left foot to win here, and I think he’ll sacrifice the entire offensive line to the Drowned God if they don’t mollywhop the clones.
He’s not going to hold anything back in this game and Iowa is going to leave Ames with blood dripping from its eyes. Give me a two-score Iowa win at minimum.
The over/under is 48. ISU’s offense is better than it was last year, but so is Iowa’s defense. I know I said I like the over on the Pants Party Podcast this week, but I think the under is the move. I also think I’m an idiot.
MICHIGAN -34.5 VS. CINCINATTI
The game: Cincy is coming in HOT following a 26-14 win over Austin Peay last week. An Austin Peay team that hasn’t won a game since 2014 (true story). If there’s one thing Jim Harbaugh loves more than whole milk, it’s running up the score against a team that’s from Ohio. That leads me to ...
The over/under is 50. Michigan will hit that itself. Take it.
MINNESOTA (+2, +110) AT OREGON STATE (-130)
The game: I know, I know, I hate betting Minnesota too, but I mean, Oregon State is the worst team in the Pac-12, and it’s really not close. The Beavers barely beat Portland State last week. Yes, THAT hipster-ass Portland State.
Minnesota didn’t look great or even decent against Buffalo last week, but I have enough confidence in Bullshit Artist Fleck to cover +2. Buy yourself a box of Dilly Bars once you cash this ticket.
The over/under is 51.5. Probably stay away. I dunno.
GEORGIA +5 (+177) AT NOTRE DAME (-210)
The game: I’m not going to sit here and pretend like I know anything about Notre Dame, because I don’t. I know they went 4-8 last year, and I know Brian Kelly has the temper of a freshly castrated hippopotamus. Those two knowns combined give me hope for a Georgia team getting five friggin’ points.
Now’s the part where I disclose I’m a Georgia fan and that Georgia’s starting QB is out for the game. No matter! Their backup, Jake Fromm, is better than most starters, and Nick Chubb and Sony Michel is the best running back tandem in the country that isn’t BUTWAD.
The over/under is 57. Yeah I dunno.
PURDUE -3.5 (-160) VS. OHIO (+140)
The game: There’s been A LOT of reverse line movement on this game, but that don’t scare me! If you’re scared, get a dog.
Purdue is coming off a heartbreaker where it had Louisville on the ropes but couldn’t finish up. Ohio, meanwhile, just trumped a TOUGH Hampton squad 59-0. But the Bobcats haven’t played in a hostile environment like the ADE in quite some time.
And our resident Purdue fan BoilerHawk instilled confidence in the pick. To quote him:
“It would be so Purdue to not cover,” “They’re a lock to give up 21 points,” “I think -3.5 is a safe bet,” and “dude stop texting me at about Purdue football at 10:54 pm on a Thursday.”
I’m taking the Boilers!
The over/under is 56.5. I don’t like it, but BoilerHawk does and we’re going to keep track of his Purdue picks from here on out.
And that’s all I got. Don’t forget to Venmo me @ben-ross-16 with 8 percent of your winnings. Slide into my DMs to send me a case of Dilly Bars on dry ice.