Matt Campbell: A #FactWeek Refresher

We’re neck-deep in so-called #HateWeek (also known as #FactWeek around The Pants) and I’m willing to stoke the hellfire with a reminder of why Matt Campbell is a phony-milkshake-drinking, machine gun-schollie-schlepping dweeb.

FIRE UP THE SIRENS.

He pushes the pyramid scheme that is Advocare

Remember that lame-ass hype video released when he arrived (later played off as ‘intentionally funny’) that featured shameless Advocare product placement? Yes, the multilevel marketing company that just this year was alleged of being a pyramid scheme in a class-action lawsuit (and written about in a great profile by Mina Kimes back in 2016) has conned the ISU Football CEO!

I’m guessing he’s also responded to the desperate emails of Nigerian royalty on multiple occasions.

He won’t say Voldemort even though he coaches Voldemort State.

What’s up with avoiding the word ‘Iowa’? As has been documented many times now, Mr. Campbell refuses to mention THE Iowa by name. If you can sell him Advocare, chances are you can also sell him on the old wives tale that if you say ‘Hawkeye State’ three times in the mirror, Marshall Yanda appears and kills one of your freshman.

In high school he went with the haircut no one has ever chosen for their MyPlayer on NBA 2K.

He offered you a scholarship, you just don’t know it yet.

At 395 scholarships offered and counting according to 247 Sports, it’s possible Allen Lazard’s coin purse swimmers have already had ‘dibs’ called on them by Campbell. As I documented this preseason, they have 5 kickers on their roster and this screwy little gem that seems like something Coach Klein would pull with the CLSU Mud Dogs so I guess you have to start somewhere.

He was introduced on Twitter as having won 5 National Championships

Technically, yes, he was PRESENT when Mt. Union won the Division III National Championship; three times as a player and twice as an offensive coordinator. Is it a bit disingenuous to take credit for all of those wins and titles to inflate your own ego?

Yes.

Move the Rock or Break it?

Recently, the five-time National Piggy Back Champ has been pushing the hashtag #MovetheRock on Twitter. Is this an intentional prod at Coach Doyle’s ‘Break the Rock’ mantra? If so, I look forward to their attempts to #movetherock into Phil Parker’s road graders on Saturday. My BUTWAD™ stock may be sitting a bit flat after a lukewarm Wyoming unveiling but I’m pushing the chips all in this weekend. Give me 75 carries. FEED BUTWAD™ ALL THE ROCKS.

I personally applaud Coach AdvoCampbell’s willingness to be made the High Court Jester of our Stateside Clowns. What would #HateWeek be without villains?

On to Saturday.