Maybe I’m showing my age here, but mailbags and advice columns were part of the reason I wanted to write as a bright-eyed youth. I would spend more time than I care to disclose trying to make the cut and ever since I’ve dreamed about having my own little corner of the internet to communicate with my (our) readers and engage in the shenanigans we all go through as sports fans and people (sad, I know). So, from this Thursday forward, I give The Pants back to you... the people. Do you have questions, comments, concerns, theories or general stories of debauchery? Send them all! I will feature as many as my editors will allow. You can send them to me via Twitter (@JerryScherwin), add them in as comments to these columns (you should probably put “Hello Jerry” as your header so I know it’s not a question directed to SMA or something), via email (firstname.lastname@example.org), the Facebook comments of these posts and any other way I may have forgotten about. Let’s get it on!
Q: “Who wins in a bowl game: The entire history of the Iowa State football program, or Ricky Stanzi?”
Hello Jerry: At first, I read this question as though the entire history of the Iowa State football program was pitted up against a 52-man roster of Ricky Stanzi’s. I’m going to be honest with you, that’s too many Ricky Stanzi’s for the entire history of the Alabama football program to go up against and they had Forrest Gump. Hell, I don’t think some far away alien planet complete with technology that is literally light years ahead of ours and an infinite amount of usable resources could defeat 52-Ricky Stanzi’s.
Ricky Stanzi is Indian Love Call incarnate:
Now, can the entire history of the Iowa State football program beat JUST Ricky Stanzi in a bowl game? Well, I suppose that depends on what you believe in as an individual. If you live your life like you’re in a Coors Light Here’s to Football commercial; if you drink way too much Bud-heavy on the 4th of July because it’s the only beer in the cooler with an American Flag on it; if you gamble way too much money that you don’t really have with a bookie you know from the old neighborhood or an off shore website; if you watch the Nathan’s Hot Dog eating contest and think to yourself “I can contend;” if you like hot apple pie with two gigantic scoops of vanilla ice cream on top of it; if you wear your fitted baseball hat backwards because Ken Griffery Jr. still means the world to you; if you ever caught a firefly at night and stuck it into a spaghetti sauce jar with the label ripped off; if you like pick up trucks, air conditioning, “reality” television, spending way too much time on Twitter, having food delivered via phone app, cry when you see a bald eagle in flight and mother trucking freedom... then yes, Ricky Stanzi can beat the entire history of the Iowa State football program in a bowl game 100-to-nothing in the first quarter alone.
If you have little brother syndrome and tend to throw tantrums when Big Brother tries to teach you valuable life lessons about growing up in a B1G world... well... I think we all know what side of the fence you’re on.
Q: Do you believe in Big Foot... Aliens?
— chuck longs mom
Hello Jerry: I think I answered the latter above. As far as Big Foot goes, I’ve watched way too many episodes of Finding Bigfoot on Animal Planet along with countless Josh Gates episodes of various shows (most of which involve him not finding ANYTHING) not to believe that there is some secret hoard of hairy beasts somewhere in the bitter cold.
Q: Why does Iowa State?
Hello Jerry: Why does my head hurt while I’m at work? Why do I feel immediately better when I get in my car to go home? Why do dogs eat their own poop? Why do men have nipples? Why can’t anyone ever agree as to how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop (screw that damn Owl, BTW)? Why does Siri always work for celebrities in commercials but seems to only understand Mandarin when I ask her a question? Why doesn’t McDonald’s sell hot dogs? Why do people watch shows about people that need to get married in 90 days with a foreigner they can’t communicate with outside of translator app?
The world may never know, cafreema.
Q: Does last year's beat down hurt us this year? Motivation for them, we take them more lightly, etc.?
Hello Jerry: I don’t think anyone on this staff or in that locker room is taking this game lightly. I think Kirk Ferentz and Family know the importance of NOT overlooking Iowa State. The Hawkeyes have been burnt too many times by the Cyclones to let last year’s result change their attitude, outlook and preparation whatsoever. This isn’t going to be a cake walk. Anyone that tells you that this is in the bag for Iowa is a fool. Iowa State boasts what could be one of the best receiving cores they’ll see all season long.
While the Hawkeyes defense had themselves a freaking week against Wyoming, they need to stay focused. It’s going to be paramount that the front four continue to plug holes and rush the quarterback on third downs. Bo Bower is going to have to have his best coverage game to date (especially if Phil Parker isn’t going to switch over to the Nickel very often).
And that says nothing of the offense. I was more encouraged than my FFF partner was with what I saw; especially with the touch Nate Stanley put on a few passes to Noah Fant and Nick Easley. Can he make a few throws against what will surely be a loaded box on Saturday? He damn well better if Iowa wants to stay perfect in the early part of their schedule.
I think both teams are going to come out wanting to punch each other in the mouth (thanks in large part to Matt Campbell and Brian Ferentz ongoing shade at one another). Whoever executes in the trenches (both seemed to have some offensive line problems in their first game) and hits a few more back breaking plays will win.
It’s hard to overlook anything when that’s the case.
Q: On a scale of 1 to 10... how punchable is Matt Campbell’s face?
Hello Jerry: This is tough. For starters, I’m not sure there is a more punchable face in the history of humanity than Martin Shkreli. He is a Grade A, 10 out of 10. That dude is so punchable that my hand hurts just thinking about it.
Matt Campbell isn’t THAT punchable. But he definitely IS punchable. I mean look at this dude:
You know who used to bend their hats like that? The dude’s that thought it was cool to take their mufflers off the Honda they drove around in high school because the obscene noise made them think they drove faster.
Those kids were the most punchable.
Anyways, I took the photo above and compared him to the remaining nine players in my “Most Punchable People” Ranking (from least to most punchable: Justin Long, Dwight Howard, Robert Pattinson, Lil’ Dicky, KanYe West post Dark Twisted Fantasy, Seth MacFarlane, Ted Cruz, King Joffrey and Ramsay Bolton) in hopes of slotting him into the perfect place.
After extensive research (I’m serious, I spent WAY too long on this), Matt Campbell deserves to be slotted right between Lil Dicky and KanYe West Post Dark Twisted Fantasy. In the end, he just didn’t have the smugness of recent Yeezy or that shit eating grin of MacFarlane that makes me cringe down to my core.
So, where does that put him exactly on the 1-to-10 scale? 5 out of 10, or, perfectly in the middle. At the end of the day, he’s just not punchable enough to get above .500... kinda like his football team.
[Editor’s note: Jerry didn’t even answer the best question he got, so I’m going to answer it as I assume he would, because I allow him to post things on the internet and I think that means I’m entitled to that right.
Q: GospelOfMax... Great handle or greatest handle?
Hello Jerry (probably): Wow, what a question! I could go on for about 3,000 words on this topic, but I’ll keep it short - it’s the greatest handle. He’s a really great guy, Max. Probably the greatest guy, which is why his handle is the greatest. A real guy’s guy. A guy that you can grab about a dozen beers with. An all-around dude. Most importantly, he’s a great bossman. With the greatest handle.]
Thank you all for your questions. I’ll be back here next week again, so start sending in your questions and thoughts now!