Overreaction Monday: Heart Attack Hawkeyes

What. A. Game. What a day. What a week. It was a roller coaster ride filled with high moments where we all thought this team could be destined for greatness and low moments that nearly gave us heart attacks. At the end of the day, it’s great to be a Hawkeye. But damnit if they didn’t nearly give me a heart attack. And this overreaction Monday, I’d like to take a few thousand words to relive what was an overreaction-filled Saturday.

I was screaming at the top of my lungs. Screaming in excitement, joy and relief. Not only had the Hawkeyes managed to come back to tie up a game that seemed totally lost, they did it with just over a minute left. Enough time to maybe allow for a Hail Mary, but not much else. So I was letting loose. But no sound was coming out. It was a silent scream. I was alone in the hotel room with the 5-month old asleep on the bed. I’d been pacing anxiously for most of the 4th quarter, since he’d fallen asleep. Then Akrum Wadley did what Akrum Wadley does.

This was some 3.5 hours after the emotional roller coaster had started. The one where I was nervous about the game because I always am for El Asico. Not because Iowa State is ever particularly good, but because they are always dangerous and never good enough for a loss not to sting.

Those nerves weren’t helped at all by the start of the game.

PESSIMIST ME (at the bar, alone, waiting for everyone else to show up as Iowa promptly loses 3 yards on first down, goes nowhere on second and then gets a false start penalty before running for a 3 yard gain on 3rd and 18 to go 3-and-out): WHY IS THIS ALWAYS A GAME?!? WHY DO THEY ALWAYS COME OUT WITH SO MUCH MORE FIRE AND ENERGY IN THIS THING? JUST GET A DAMN PUSH UP FRONT, IT’S WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU DO!!

OPTIMIST ME: Alright, let’s calm down. It’s one series. ISU didn’t get much on their first series either. They gotta just settle into a rhythm and keep pounding the rock. There’s no way they can stop the run for 4 quarters and the defense should be fine.

PESSIMIST ME: HERE WE GO! BIG TIME SHIT-TALKER WHO HAS NEVER SCORED AGAINST IOWA FINALLY DOES - THIS WILL BE SO DAMN INSUFFERABLE FOR THE NEXT YEAR!!!

OPTIMIST ME: It’s still early. They had some big chunk plays there, but this defense is built to stop those sorts of things. Just stay the course and we will be fine.

PESSIMIST ME: WHAT ABOUT THAT DRIVE MADE YOU THINK WE HAVE ANY SHOT OF STOPPING THAT MAN? HE IS A WINDBAG, BUT HE’S HUGE AND GOOD AT FOOTBALL!

OPTIMIST ME: Hey look, we just scored!

PESSIMIST ME: WHATEVER, WE’RE JUST BACK TO WHERE WE STARTED THANKS TO THAT TERRIBLE DEFENSE. BESIDES, WE CAN’T KEEP GOING TO THE PASSING GAME AND WIN THIS. IT’S NOT LIKE THEY JUST HAVE AN EASLEY BUTTON THEY CAN HIT AND EVERYTHING IS FINE.

OPTIMIST ME: Actually....

PESSIMIST ME: THAT’S GREAT, YOU’RE SCREWING AROUND IN PAINT WHILE DAVID MONTGOMERY IS SHREDDING OUR DEFENSE. HAVE YOU SEEN HOW MANY MISSED TACKLES WE’VE HAD? THIS IS NUTS!! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THE GREAT TACKLING WE SAW LAST WEEK?

CHRIST, IF HE’S GOING TO BE BREAKING OFF 30-YARDERS THEY ARE GOING TO HAVE A TON OF SPACE TO OPERATE IN THE PASSING GAME.

OPTIMIST ME: The defense is still a strength. They’re going to get it together when we need it. Bend but don’t break, that’s always been the motto. It’s only 10-7, we are fine here.

PESSIMIST ME: I’M TELLING YOU, THIS JUST HAS ALL THE MAKINGS OF ONE OF...

OPTIMIST ME: MEERKAT SIGHTING!! God I love that kid.

PESSIMIST ME: WOULDN’T IT BE NICE IF WE DIDN’T HAVE TO DEPEND ON UNDERSIZED, AVERAGE-SPEED FORMER 2-STAR KIDS AT THE SKILL POSITION. I MEAN, GREAT, WE’RE BACK AHEAD, BUT I STILL JUST WISH WE HAD A DUDE LIKE LAZARD ON THE OUTSIDE.

OPTIMIST ME:

PESSIMIST ME: OH JUST SHUT UP AND GET OFF TWITTER! IT’S HALFTIME AND WE ARE LETTING THESE BOZOS HANG AROUND. I HATE THIS GAME SO MUCH. SERIOUSLY, WHY DO I GO THROUGH THIS HEARTBURN EVERY. DAMN. YEAR. IF WE LOSE THIS WE ARE GOING TO GET ROASTED BY EVERY TALKING HEAD IN THE COUNTRY.

OPTIMIST ME: Yeah, but those talking heads are mostly just idiots with keyboards (this is called foreshadowing). They’re like you, only with more money. At the end of they day, we are still a 7-8 win team even if we screw around and lose this game half the time. We could be like them and only be a 3-4 win team even if we do pull this game out of our asses.

PESSIMIST ME: DON’T YOU EVER SAY WE COULD BE LIKE THEM. EVER.

OPTIMIST ME: FLYING WADLEY!!!

HOLY SH!T THAT WAS AWESOME!

PESSIMIST ME: Yeah, I mean I guess he got in. I still don’t know why they don’t just pound the rock with Butler when we get inside the 10. He’s the bowling ball you use between the tackles. Wadley is great in space but he dances too much in tight spaces.

OPTIMIST ME: Dude, they got the 6. We’re up 21-10 in the 3rd here, this is exactly what we all hoped for. Get a couple score lead, bleed some clock with the run and go for the dagger to the heart in play-action. Brian’s called a good game so far.

PESSIMIST ME: THE PLAY-CALLING HAS BEEN FINE, BUT STANLEY HAS MISSED A COUPLE WIDE OPEN GUYS DOWNFIELD. HOW DO YOU OVERTHROW IHMIR SMITH-MARSETTE? THAT DUDE IS SO FAST AND YOU OVERSHOOT HIM BY LIKE 10 YARDS ON A DOUBLE MOVE? JUST GET SOME AIR UNDER THE BALL ALREADY!

OPTIMIST ME: Look, at least they are taking shots. That softens up the defense by itself. He’s going to connect on one of them. And besides, the defense has finally stepped up. After that early TD, they’ve only gotten another 3 and we’re half way through the 3rd!

PESSIMIST ME: BUT THEY HAVE THE TOOLS TO GET CHUNK YARDAGE. THE RUN-BLOCKING HAS BEEN GREAT AT TIMES AND PRETTY ROUGH AT TIMES. OH AND BY THE WAY, YOU SAW IKE BOETTGER GO DOWN, RIGHT?

OPTIMIST ME: Next man in. Of all the places to lose somebody, the OL is the one place we can afford it. So much depth and talent there. We’ll be OK. It’s not like this defense is going to allow them to just rattler off a ton of points.

PESSIMIST ME: GOD DAMNIT WHY DO YOU HAVE TO ALWAYS JINX US!!

WHAT IN THE LITERAL F*@# ARE WE DOING WITH ALAN LAZARD IN MAN COVERAGE ON THE GOAL LINE? AND IF YOU’RE GOING THAT ROUTE, WHY IN THE WORLD IS IT AMANI HOOKER YOU HAVE MANNED UP ON HIM? THIS IS MIND-NUMBING!

OPTIMIST ME: I don’t know. That doesn’t seem great. All I can think of is maybe they just assumed these clowns were going to keep throwing a flag every time Lazard doesn’t come down with a catch so they just wouldn’t even try.

PESSIMIST ME: I SWEAR TO GOD IF I HEAR ONE DAMN CYCLONE FAN COMPLAIN ABOUT OFFICIATING AFTER THIS THIS ENDS I WILL STRANGLE THEM MYSELF. LAZARD HAS BEEN PUSHING OFF ALL DAY AND SOMEHOW THAT’S A PENALTY ON OJEMUDIA. PARK HAS HAD ALL DAMN DAY BACK THERE AND IT ISN’T JUST BECAUSE WE AREN’T BRINGING AN EXTRA MAN...

OPTIMIST ME: I know it’s frustrating, but like I said we are still good. Up 4 and we can just start leaning on them here.

PESSIMIST ME: RIGHT ON CUE! A DRIVE IDENTICAL TO THE FIRST ONE WHERE WE GO NOWHERE ON THE GROUND. THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T GO INTO A SHELL WHEN YOU GET A LEAD! THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FERENTZ THE ELDER AND FERENTZ THE YOUNGER! KF ALWAYS WANTS TO BLEED CLOCK AND IT BITES US IN THE ASS ALL THE TIME. GO FOR THE KILL SHOT!

AND WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT BLOCKING? REALLY, OL? BRIAN DECIDES TO TRUST IN YOU AND YOU CAN’T GET ANY SORT OF PUSH?!?

OPTIMIST ME: This defense completely contained a potential top-10 pick at QB last week in Josh Allen. They will be OK with the game on the line against a guy who “was playing 7-on-7 two years ago at Northeastern Oklahoma A&M to get some experience.”

PESSIMIST ME: STOP TALKING!! OUR DEFENSE LOOKS LIKE SWISS CHEESE! WE CAN’T TACKLE. WE CAN’T COVER ANYTHING. WE CAN’T GET ANY PRESSURE. WE. ARE. SCREWED.

OPTIMIST ME: Bro, chill. It’s not even the 4th quarter yet. We’ve had a couple super-long drives. We can grind this out. Sure, it’s closer than we hoped for, but Iowa is the more physical, better-coached team. Trust the process.

PESSIMIST ME: WE JUST WENT THREE-AND-OUT. AGAIN.

OPTIMIST ME: I know that didn’t look great, but we are down a field goal here. It’s not over.

PESSIMIST ME: I WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE.

OPTIMIST ME: OK, shit. This isn’t great.

PESSIMIST ME: THAT IS LITERALLY THE ONLY THING YOU’VE SAID ALL DAY THAT MAKES ANY SENSE. THE DEFENSE LOOKS BRUTAL. SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS THIS TACKLING? MONTGOMERY IS RUNNING ALL OVER US. PARK HAS ALL DAY TO THROW AND WE CAN’T BRING ANYONE OTHER THAN THE 4 DOWN BECAUSE WE CAN’T SEEM TO COVER ANYTHING DOWNFIELD.

WHY IN THE HELL ARE WE NOT SEEING MORE OF THAT THIRD DOWN PACKAGE ALONG THE LINE? THAT IS THE ONLY WAY WE’VE GOTTEN ANY PRESSURE ON PARK!

AND WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH ALL THESE PENALTIES? HOW DO YOU PLAY SUCH A CLEAN GAME WEEK ONE AND THEN RACK UP ALL THESE IN SUCH CRITICAL SPOTS IN WEEK 2??

OPTIMIST ME: I dunno man. This is starting to freak me out. Why did we leave the bar? I need a drink.

PESSIMIST ME: YOU’RE WATCHING THE KID YOU IDIOT!

OPTIMIST ME: Stop yelling, you’re going to wake him.

PESSIMIST ME: GODDAMNIT CAN WE TEACH STANLEY TO THROW WITH SOME TOUCH ON HIS LONG BALL? IT’S BEEN YEARS SINCE WE’VE HAD RECEIVERS RUNNING FREE BEHIND A DEFENSE AND NOW THAT WE FINALLY HAVE IT THE QB CAN’T SEEM TO FIND THEM!

OPTIMIST ME: AWPEOIG[OIASDF[ IHMIR SMITH-MARSETTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ASIOJG[WEF’DK

PESSIMIST ME: 1. Don’t wake the kid. 2. I don’t know that that was a catch.

OPTIMIST ME: ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??? THAT WAS DEFINITELY A CATCH. HOT DAMN THAT WAS A CATCH!

And how about Brian Ferentz giving the kid another chance? He comes out last week and fumbles his first collegiate touch and here he is making plays the very next week!

PESSIMIST ME: I TOTALLY THOUGHT HE HAD BEEN JONATHAN PARKER-ED.

OPTIMIST ME: Dude, we are back in this thing. Need a stop, but we are alive.

......

HOLY CRAP PARKER HESSE ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!

PESSIMIST ME: What the hell was Park throwing to? Sure woulda been nice if Hesse could’ve found the endzone there....

OPTIMIST ME: We’re fine. We can punch it in from the 5. This is what we are built for man!

PESSIMIST ME: BRUH....

HOW DO YOU NOT GET BUTLER A CARRY FROM DOWN THERE??? HE’S THE BATTERING RAM AND YOU GET HIM ZERO TOUCHES INSIDE THE 10?

AND WHAT THE SHIT WAS THAT THROW TO FANT? STANLEY HAS MISSED NO FEWER THAN 3 TDS AT THIS POINT.

OPTIMIST ME: At least we got the 3. We’re tied. New game just a shorter clock.

PESSIMIST ME: WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING?!?!?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING GERVASE??? WHY ARE YOU COMING UP WHEN A GUY IS RUNNING RIGHT AT YOU? YOU HAVE ONE JOB - DON’T GET BEAT DEEP!! THAT IS LITERALLY THE ONE THING YOU CAN’T LET HAPPEN.

OPTIMIST ME: I think I’m going to puke.

PESSIMIST ME: CAN WE HAVE JACOB PARK SOME TEACH NATE STANLEY HOW TO THROW A DEEP BALL THIS OFFSEA.. WHAT ARE YOU F*@%ING DOING KELLY-MARTIN! DO THEY NOT SIT DOWN EVERY FALL AND SHOW ANY NEW KICK RETURNER THE FOOTAGE OF JONATHAN PARKER AND SAY DON’T TOUCH THE DAMN BALL BY THE SIDELINE?!?!?!

OH JESUS CHRIST STANLEY JUST OVERTHREW FANT AGAIN. ANOTHER WIDE OPEN GUY FOR A TD AND NOW WE ARE LOOKING AT 3:30 TO GO AND DOWN A TD. THIS IS OVER.

OPTIMIST ME: If we can get a stop here, we have a shot to tie.

PESSIMIST ME: WHAT ABOUT THE EVENTS OF THIS GAME LEADS YOU TO BELIEVE WE CAN GET A STOP HERE???

OPTIMIST ME: Hey look, we just got a stop! And we have over 3 minutes to work with here. Let’s see what Stanley can do.

PESSIMIST ME: WELL STARTING FROM THE 11 ISN’T GREAT.

OPTIMIST ME: Yeah but we’ve already had 3 drives of 90-plus yards end with a TD.

PESSIMIST ME: HEY MATH MAJOR, THIS ISN’T OVER 90 YARDS.

OPTIMIST ME: AKRUM WADLEY IS THE GREATEST FOOTBALL PLAYER OF ALL TIME!!!!

(SILENT SCREAMING!!!!!!)

PESSIMIST ME: We gotta go for 2 here right? Our defense hasn’t held up all day and we just aren’t built to win in OT. Don’t they say you go for the win on the road and OT at home?

OPTIMIST ME: TRUST IN KIRK MAN!

PESSIMIST ME: I DID. WE LOST. LEARN FROM IT AND GO FOR 2!!

OPTIMIST ME: Stop silent shouting inside your head like a crazy person. It’s tied. We are headed to overtime.

Wait, HOLY SH!T, WE’RE HEADED TO OVERTIME IN AMES. WHAT IF YOU’RE RIGHT? WHAT IF WE CAN’T GET A STOP? THEY’VE BEEN ROLLING ON OFFENSE AND WE’RE MORE BUILT TO PUT TOGETHER LONG DRIVES THAN ANSWER SCORE FOR SCORE!

(OPTIMIST ME AND PESSIMIST ME SLOWLY MELT INTO ONE ME)

WHY DO WE SCHEDULE THIS DAMN GAME ANYWAY?? THIS IS THE NIGHTMARE WE FACE EVERY DAMN YEAR. IF WE LOSE THIS WE LOOK LIKE IDIOTS AND HAVE TO DEAL WITH THEIR FANS ACTING LIKE THEY WON THE ROSE BOWL. IF WE WIN THIS WE GAIN NOTHING AND DEAL WITH THEIR FANS CONSTANTLY POINTING OUT WE DIDN’T WIN THE ROSE BOWL LIKE THAT SOMEHOW IS A MORAL VICTORY FOR THEM. WHY ARE WE HERE?!?!

(Defense gets a big time stop, holding ISU to a FG.)

WHY CAN’T I STOP PACING. I HAVE THE COLD SWEATS. I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN WA..

THIS IS THE GREATEST GAME EVER PLAYED!!!!! I LOVE THIS SHIT!!!!!

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Seriously, knowing the outcome wasn’t public ridicule and humiliation, this game will go down as an all-timer. It was back and forth with an amazing finish. I hate that we play this game every year, but the intensity of the game Saturday is what makes it a great rivalry.

I finally turned off the TV and went off to a wedding on cloud nine. There were some serious issues the crept up against ISU (the defense didn’t look great, the OL still has some issues to work out especially with Boettger potentially missing significant time, and Stanley has to find some touch down field), but it was a hell of a win and the team out east is sitting at 2-0. Those guys in Ames? 1-1.

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In other news, Darren Rovell is an idiot.

I’m not entirely sure what his point was (other than, I assume, to say that KF is overpaid), but I think this would be more “newsworthy” if Matt Campbell was making in the same neighborhood as KF. Kirk is the dean of college football coaches. Maybe he wasn’t part of 3 national championships at the division 3 level as a player, but he’s won a ton of games in the Big Ten.

Show me another industry where the new guy who just got hired out of his internship is making anything close to the 19-year veteran. It doesn’t exist. And if you really wanna play these games, let’s do everyone’s favorite: dollars per win. At $1.3M ISU is paying Matt Campbell $433,333 for every win last year. And he still hasn’t beaten Iowa.

To summarize:

I would like to be quoted. "Fuck Darren Rovell"

- BoilerHawk

Well said Boiler. Well said.

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To cap things off on this glorious #FactWeek, I’ll just say this: it always has been and always will be a Hawkeye State. Fact.

Happy Monday. Go Hawks.