TAKE MY MONEY: YOUR GUIDE TO BETTING WEEK ONE OF THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL SEASON

Here we are, back on this dark corner of the internet to discuss shady things with seedy people.

Welcome back. I’ve missed you all, and I hope you share the sentiment.

For the unacquainted, this is the online equivalent of me shouting gambling picks from my porch while wearing a bathrobe and holding a half-finished pint of gin. It’s gross and not very entertaining but there are a (small) number of loyal and vocal fans. You may not have the stomach for it, but boy is it a spectacle.

But enough about Iowa State football.

ANYWAY, I know you sad, sad people are just on the seat of your soiled khakis waiting for these hot picks, so I won’t keep you waiting any longer.

IOWA (-11.5, -420) VS. WYOMING (+330)

The game: Iowa is going to try and assert its dominance early in the trenches by running Akrum Wadley and James Butler and whoever else into the ground up against what should be a severely outmatched Cowboy defensive front.

If there was a wager for Iowa attempting four or more consecutive runs, I would hammer it. If you know a guy offering odds, slide.

I want to say Iowa is going to literally run away with this one, but we have been privy to enough heart attack games to start the season, and with Josh Allen quarterbacking the other team, this one is shaping up to be a triple bypass.

The over/under is 52.5. That seems about right, if not slightly high. I doubt either team scores more than 35, if that.

The play here is to be conservative. This is the first game of the season after all, and you don’t want to blow your wad so early OH SCREW THAT IT’S IOWA FOOTBALL AND THE HAWKS HAVE WADLEY AND JEWELL AND BUTLER AND AN OFFENSIVE LINE THAT WOULD GET TURNED DOWN AT AN OLD COUNTRY BUFFET GIMME THE HAWKS -20 POINTS I DON’T CARE IF THEY WERE PLAYING THE DALLAS COWBOYS THIS TEAM HAS HEART.

Whew.

And that is how you bet the Iowa-Wyoming game. Here’s the rest worth taking a peek at:

FLORIDA STATE (+7, +235) VS. ALABAMA (-275)

The game is being played in Atlanta at shiny new Mercedes Benz Stadium, so do what you will with that information. Florida State is returning a really good quarterback in Deondre Francois, and he’s poised to have a breakout junior campaign.

Alabama, meanwhile, is still Alabama.

The over/under is 49. I think that’s a little low given the neutral site and it being the first game of the year, but both these teams boast elite defenses. Not too sure here.

The play is to take the points with the #Noles. I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW Alabama is friggin’ Alabama and its own Amen Corner will have my head, but I think week one of the season you have to take the full touchdown.

MICHIGAN (-4, -170) VS. FLORIDA (+150)

The game should be billed as the petty bowl, because neither Jim Harbaugh nor Jim McElwain will release a friggin’ depth chart before this contest. It’s also being played at JerryWorld in Arlington.

The over/under is 45. I don’t know jack about over/unders I should probably stop mentioning them. [Editor’s note: life is too short to bet the under.]

The play is to take Michigan. Much to our dismay, I think Michigan is on track to be real good again and Wilton Speight could become an elite college QB. Florida, meanwhile, has seven players sitting out this game because they stole a bunch of iPads, and doesn’t really have a QB. Four points and a 1.5:1 payout isn’t enough for me to roll the dice on the Gators.

GEORGIA (-14.5, -650) VS. APPALACHIAN STATE (+420)

The game might actually be decent, as Georgia is pegged as at least a contender in the SEC Division That Doesn’t Have Alabama. Jacob Eason and Nick Chubb are dark horse Heisman contenders, and Kirby Smart is building a stiff defense in Athens.

Appalachian State, meanwhile, is going into it’s fourth season as a BCS (what do we call these teams now? I-A? Is it just Div-I?) school, going 10-3 last year and returns about 80 percent of its offense from a year ago.

The over/under

The play is to go with Appalachian State and the points. This pains me to say as a Georgia fan, but I think Kirby Smart is a bit of a dunce and App State is like the hungriest team in the whole damn nation. Georgia could win, but I’m not sure if it will be by 15, let alone half that.

NORTHWESTERN (-23.5) VS. NEVADA

The game will set the table on whether or not you should by the hype on the Wildcats this year. We are still talking about jNW here after all. BUT, Nevada saw its best player leave the program this year and go to Iowa (yay!) so that should make things easier for the Cats. I’m not even coming close to buying the hype on Northwestern, but Nevada is really, really, really bad, and Pat Fitzgerald loves running up the score more than he loves thinking about 1995.

The over/under is 60. SIXTY! Do whatever you feel.

The play is to take Northwestern. I think they’ll overmatch this Wolfpack team, and Fitz is going to try and make a statement early.

BENNY’S B1G TEASER (TM)

This is where I choose two or three Big Ten teams and tell you to tease them, and you listen to me, because you are a fool.

So, here’s what we got:

Iowa (-5.5) and Michigan (+2).

That feels a little anti-climactic. That’s how you know it’s a winner.

Happy hunting. It’s opener, y’all. Be humble, and don’t forget to venmo me @ben-ross-16 after all these hit.