Full Speed Ahead: The Summer Hype is Real for Iowa Football

It’s still July and our dusty footballs are ripening to a lighter shade of blue. What better to do than pour more dirty coal into the Overhype Machine? Storylines abound, there is plenty to be excited about this fall on Melrose.

Midfield Tiger Hawk will allow camouflaged defensive playcalling

For most, instituting the new artwork at midfield signals the continuation of a progressive culture change into the future with a young, evolving coaching staff.

I implore you to think deeper.

Like Schwarzenegger concealing his body heat from the Predator, I am lobbying for Phil Parker to hide crouching defenders in the midfield Tigerhawk like black gators in a shallow lagoon.

You shall not pass the 50.

Brian Ferentz is here to #MakeOffenseFunAgain

Last year’s passing statistics looked like Pollock painting a headshot of Bozo the clown: two red blotches of incompletion outside the hashes with a sad, bald lane down the middle.

The last time KOK was in town, tight ends were cool (and utilized). Play action passes were designed to make your sphincter pucker in anticipation of the big over-the-top throw. Here’s to hoping that returns.

I’m anxious to see what young padawan Ferentz brings to the O-Coordinator position. Shadowing not just Papa Bear but also Bill Belichick AKA The Emperor AKA Grumblebee, can only help.

Also, please please pleeeaase more flea-flickers.

Someone will have to catch passes occasionally

Many worry about the lack of pass-catching experience in the returning receiving corp.

I say FUHGEDDUBOWDIT (sorry)

I’ve got my bets on three horses and not one is named VandeBerg.

Fant. Easley. Smith.

One of these young scholars will emerge at some point this season as a wanted man in weekly defensive scheme meetings. Why do I believe that? Because they’ll have to. You may also wonder why Devonte Young and Adrian Falconer are absent from this list. They may contribute, but big play threats will rest on the shoulders of one or all of these doods. I especially want Brandon Smith to be a big thing sooner than later.

But then again, that may not matter at all because…

Just kidding, passing is irrelevant because we now have the perfect two headed rushing monster I shall call BUTWAD

If you were worried about Wadley carrying too much weight on offense and not enough on his body, fear not. James Butler has arrived to cause double the defensive panic in the form of BUTWAD.

As PFF mentioned recently via Twitter, Butler boasts the highest number of missed tackles forced in FBS last year. Our boys got the WIGGLE WIGGLE WIGGLE

Matched with a crowded barn of gnarly wild hogs on the line, I’m dying to see these stat lines week to week X2:

AJ Epenesa continues to evolve from Man-Boy to Alpha-Man

This picture was taken in 2015. The now-deceased young man being devoured by Mr. E in this photo was listed at 6 foot 2 inches. Yes, I investigated high school sports profiles to confirm this. Judge away.

Since then, AJ has thrown a discus into the shadow of the American flag on the moon, lifted a five star offensive tackle OFF THE GROUND during a camp drill, and dunked on his inferior peers with total disregard for the Geneva Convention. His next few years in Iowa City should be fun.

Iowa State has five kickers and three punters on their roster

LOLWUT

That’s not enough punters.

Wake me up in September.