Feeding the offseason withdrawals with one final morsel of pigskin coverage, the NFL Draft will soon be upon us. Like everyone else, we here at The Pants would like to share our vision of how the first round will transpire in Philadelphia. I hope you brought your flame retardant underwear because the HOT TAEKS, they are a comin’.
Let’s get started.
1) Cleveland Browns – DE Myles Garrett, Texas A&M – No surprises here. The consensus best available player in the draft, Garrett’s blend of size, speed, strength, and college production earn him the top spot.
2) San Francisco 49ers – QB Mitchell Trubisky, North Carolina – The Niners need a QB and are too impatient to wait. They reach and hope Trubisky is the answer.
3) Chicago Bears – DE Solomon Thomas, Stanford – Plays tremendously against the run and can pass rush. Great 3-4 end.
4) Jacksonville Jaguars – S Malik Hooker, Ohio State – A surprising pick, Jacksonville adds to an up and coming defensive group while also proving you can never have enough hookers in Florida.
5) Tennessee Titans – RB Leonard Fournette, LSU – The Titans draft the biggest brute available at running back so they can abandon the pass altogether and run all four downs with Murray, Henry, Mariota and now Fournette
6) New York Jets – QB Deshaun Watson, Clemson – The Jets grab Watson, first and foremost, so no one else can have him. They then proceed to follow the Geno Smith plan and bench him until he is ultimately punched in the face by a teammate in the locker room.
7) Los Angeles Chargers – S Jabrill Peppers, Michigan – Much like every Big Ten awards voter, the Chargers front office is tantalized by Peppers’ “potential versatility” and draft him about 25 spots too high.
8) Carolina Panthers – LB Reuben Foster, Alabama – Everyone compares Foster to Luke Kuechly. Rivera wants two Luke Kuechly’s. Rivera wants all the Luke Kuechly’s.
9) Cincinnati Bengals – WR Corey Davis, Western Michigan – AJ Green rejoices knowing he will now only get double-teamed instead of mugged by every defensive back on the field.
10) Buffalo Bills – TE O.J. Howard, Alabama – Looking to balance historical karma, the Bills draft an O.J. they presume won’t kill anyone.
11) New Orleans Saints – DB Chidobe Awuzie, Colorado – With DB a position of need, Chidobe will have the Saints faithful screaming ‘Who Dat?’ although they will be asking a legitimate question.
12) Cleveland Browns – QB Jake Christensen, Iowa/Eastern Illinois – Turning to a bold strategy recommended by their new sabermetrics team, the Browns draft the former Iowa Hawkeye and Eastern Illinois Panther, Jake Christensen. The southpaw finds out from Ricky Stanzi via text message which he ignores to continue watching season seven of The Walking Dead on his DVR.
13) Arizona Cardinals – Sheriff Joe Arpaio, Maricopa Co. AZ – Looking to keep their defense cutting edge, the Cards bring in an outsider who just happens to live in an abandoned tent city close by. Trouble brews early as most of his schemes revolve around shooting anyone who crosses the line of scrimmage.
14) Philadelphia Eagles – WR/HERO Mark Wahlberg, Funky Bunch – Every Philadelphia fan owns at least two copies of Invincible. It was only a matter of time before this happened.
15) Indianapolis Colts – RB Christian McCaffrey, Stanford – The Colts draft McCaffrey and then immediately shut down the cyborg organs fueling Frank Gore’s immortality and he dies.
16) Baltimore Ravens – WR John Ross, Washington – Harbaugh drafts a scorcher to run the deep route in his playbook influenced solely by the ‘Da Bomb’ from NFL Blitz ’98. Joe Flacco still isn’t elite.
17) Washington Redskins – OL Kobe Buffalomeat, High School – Caving in to public criticism of the team name, Dan Snyder and the Washington board draft Illinois State signee, Kobe Buffalomeat, in an attempt to appear inclusive, completely disregarding draft eligibility rules. Kobe is a part Choctaw, Cherokee, and Arapaho. He declines the offer.
18) Tennessee Titans – OL Eddie Hall, England – Going all in on their run-only scheme, the Titans forego the traditional combine to pick up English strongman, Eddie Hall. Presumably an interior lineman, Eddie holds the World Record for the Long Bar Dead Lift.
19) Tampa Bay Buccaneers – RB Joe Mixon, Oklahoma – The Bucs select a controversial distraction to distract us from Jameis Winston’s frequent controversial distractions.
20) Denver Broncos – DE Takkarist McKinley, UCLA – Broncos are horses and Takkarist sounds like the name of a Dothraki lord, the horse-folk of Game of Thrones. Coincidentally, Elway just caught up on HBO Now.
21) Detroit Lions – WR Mike Williams, Clemson – Because the last one went so well.
22) Miami Dolphins – OL Forrest Lamp, Western Kentucky – Adam Gase attempts his best Brick Tamland impression. Come to think of it, he actually kind of looks like Brick Tamland.
23) New York Giants – WR Cooper Kupp, Eastern Washington - Nerdy pirate Ben McAdoo adds to a deep cupboard of wide receivers (but secretly he just really likes drinking Moscow Mules)
24) Oakland Raiders – Forfeit - Mark Davis loses this pick in a “sure bet” at the Bellagio during the National Championship Game and immediately regrets moving the team to Vegas. To ease the pain, he gets another bowl cut.
25) Houston Texans – OLB T.J. Watt, Wisconsin – Harnessing brother-to-brother telepathy, Bill O’Brien builds the most feared pass rush lineup in the league. He also practices the timing and delivery of his new “Watt’s Up Guys” dad joke.
26) Seattle Seahawks – RB Dalvin Cook, Florida St. – Beast Mode retired and Feast Mode got stuck in the cushions of his couch.
27) Kansas City Chiefs - DE Taco Charlton, Michigan – filled with regret after skipping lunch for more pre-draft prep, Andy Reid lobbies hard for Taco while lost in a hypoglycemic haze.
28) Dallas Cowboys - OL Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson, Westeros – fearing the beginning of a “mutant-interior-lineman” arms race following the Tennessee pick, Jerry Jones quickly gets on the horn with The Mountain from Game of Thrones to replace Doug Free.
29) Green Bay Packers – DT Jaleel Johnson, Iowa – In a stunning development, Jaleel is picked before Desmond King. Ted Thompson seeks to rebuild their shitty defense by drafting déjà vu in the mold of their lone bright spot, Mike Daniels.
30) Pittsburgh Steelers – DB Desmond King, Iowa – Mike Tomlin loves King’s defensive versatility and the graphic design team loves that they can virtually slap the Steeler’s logo over the Tigerhawk for preseason promos and make happy hour by 4:00.
31) Atlanta Falcons – Pope Francis, Vatican City – Following the Super Bowl, Arthur Blank was convinced it was not luck or strategy that doomed his franchise in the waning moments of the championship, but an angry God. Unaware of what he had done to bring damnation to Hotlanta, the Falcons draft Pope Francis to calm the Big Guy in the Sky. Blank’s Jewish heritage make this pick even more puzzling.
32) New England Partriots (via trade w New Orleans Saints) – WR Riley McCarron, Iowa - Following yet another Jedi mind trick, Bill Belichik convinces the Saints to trade this pick right back along with their ’18, and ’19 first-round picks for Tom Brady’s recovered Super Bowl jersey promising divine properties exhumed through Louisiana voodoo worship. Roger Goodell fines everyone immediately. McCarron scores 27 touchdowns next season.
If Todd McShay tries to steal our list I swear to god…